Midpoint... and little adventures and a few miracles

• Summer is at it's midpoint here. Since life is meant to be continuous- this would be a good thing. But I really wish it would slow down a little- so that I could fully inhale all the goodness around me.
• Finally hit the beach- finally warm enough ( although as I write this it is only 63 degrees at 9 in the morning- in JULY). A day filled with sun, sunscreen, the lake, lots of sand (on the beach and in our suits), breakfast for dinner, cousins, ....
• Summer haircuts- short and sweet bobs with glitter sprinkles and french braids
• Tan skin- I know that sun is damaging but the 80's girl in me still delights in a little browning of the skin. The Irish girl in me is glad that there is enough of my father in me that I can brown my skin a little.
• Days without make-up. Again this must be due to the glow of a light tan- in winter I am rarely brave enough to venture out with bare pasty white skin.
• Planning a little vacation to St. Louis for my nephews birthday.
• Knitting- socks, socks, socks. Yes it is Christmas in July around here- as I am gearing up for Christmas already. Once school is back in session- there will be little time to do this so - I am making my Christmas gifts now. Just about everyone will be getting a handmade knit goodie- socks, scarf or hat.
• Made the Dean's List- so very cool. Almost so proud of myself I could burst. One of the happiest pieces of mail I ever received.
• New shoes coming in the mail today- gift from my mother- for making the Dean's List
• New Fridge, New motor on the furnace (yes my furnace flooded in July- make sure your hoses are not plugged up!) car getting fixed (something with the front axel- I guess that would be important). Well, that is how I spent my STIMULOUS CHECK. God is great!
• My book review was printed in the local paper last week. Love seeing my work published. Even if it is small- and slightly insignificant. It was actually hard to do- because I really did not like the book that much and could not say it- it was supposed to be a positive review of the book.
• Watched Juno last night- suprisingly I liked it. Wasn't always able to follow the jibberish- I am so uncool.
• Oh and Ceci is starting to talk. I have labored much in this area. We have been practicing articulation and motor control all summer so far. And with the help of her therapist she is learning and progressing at an exceptional rate. Yesturday she actually said "I love you mama". I still feel like I must pinch myself to wake up. But it was truely wonderful.

Solstace

• Summer is finally here- yesturday we celebrated the last day of Spring- and today we are celebrating the first full day of Summer
• Lots of colorful crey paper is up and paper balls and twinkle lights and chalk drawings....
• Lots of good food filling the fridge
• Lots of sun... lots of rain... a little hail... all in a summers day....
• Little one is napping- Thank goodness- oh she was the crabbiest.
• The boys are off at a Boy Scout Day Camp- again Thank goodness- gets them out of my hair
• I have a cool diet mountain dew on hand- thanks to my new refridgerator. Cold food- who knew.
• So much laundry to do- I really do not know where it all came from.
• Flip Flops- I used to hate flip flops but have aquired an appreciation for the classic low key summer assessory!
• Counting the days until we hit the beach...
• Lazy kitties sleeping in open windows
• Cool summer sheets- (I feel the same way about warm flannel sheets in the fall/winter) but right now the bamboo sheets are my little bit of heaven at night.
• LOts of good books to read. So far I finished- A Song for Summer by Eva Ibbotson, The Painted Veil by Maugham, Platform 13 by Eva Ibbotson, Who Murdered Chaucer by Terry Jones, et al (Just can't quit reading this stuff- borrowed the book from my Professor- Hoping he will lend me a few more), The Wasteland by TS Eliot....
• Knitting a pair of socks for my niece for Christmas- one sock done- one to go. Enjoying my carefree Thursday evenings knitting at my local yarn shop. My selfish 2 hours of fun - without the kids, without the hubby, without the TV, without interruption. Just crazy girl talk. And it is crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I get to drool over all the yarn on the shelves at the same time.

So far summer has been good. But the Summer solstice is always a little bittersweet for me- that's why I have turned it into a family celebration. I am always a little saddened by the fact that the days are getting shorter from here on out. It like Christmas- I love the month leading up to it- but when Christmas hits- I am always saddened that it is over.

Decisions

This little girl puts up with a lot..... and so does her mommy!

• Seriously- the part I hate most about having a child in therapy services is that it opens the door for people to give unsolicited opinions regarding your parenting. Sometimes even inappropriate opinions.

• So the school social worker came to our home today- to meet us and begin the transition from birth to 3 services to school services. She noticed that C still uses a nuk (pacifier) and gave her 2 cents worth on why she should NOT have one.
• Ok- I am a reasonably educated parent- this is child #3, I am fully aware of the pro's and con's of pacifier use and informed and experienced as to how to ween. I politely explained to her (all the while feeling like I really did not need to offer any explaination or defence of my parenting skills) that she is allowed to have her nuk at only certain times of the day.
• And since she just started therapy and that I am currently potty training her- I was just doing it one step at a time.
• What I really wanted to say is that... if she wasn't at my house having this useless meeting I would be able to focus on my child and take the nuk away- since she in not supposed to have it- she snuk it- feeling a bit stressed that there were strangers in her house once again.

• When we talked about a future therapy schedule- I mentioned that I was in school 3 days a week and that I would need therapy to be on my days off- she was confused and wondered why my mother (who is my childcare) could not bring her to therapy.
• HELLO- I am the mother and want to be involved in my child's treatment. I AM THE MOTHER- this is my job- I WILL BE THERE.

• It is certainly an education being on the other end of the system.

• But at least today I feel strong- I am my child's keeper- MOMMY WARRIOR mode!!!!!!

Sorry....

It occurred to me today- that there are a few people in my life (or better said were in my life at one time) that I really owe an apology for one thing or another.... There were times in my life that I did not do the right thing, or act the right way, or say the right thing. There are people who I could have been a better friend... there are people I was not straight and honest with, people who deserved better from me.

Oh- it is all in the past- but today if I had had a wish- that's what it would have been... to apologize. I was not malicious to anyone- just young and stupid... screwed up priorities, broken heart, human nature....

So here it goes.... I am truely sorry for:

• for the time I should have been a better friend
• for the times I should have been a better listener
• for all the time that I was not completely honest
• for the time(s) that I put my foot in my mouth- and incidentally hurt someone's feelings
• for being weak too weak in spirit and weak in mind to do the "right" thing
• for not trusting you
• for not trying hard enough
• for not giving you a chance
• for not asking the right question
• for being scared
• for asking you to fight my battles for me
• for realizing too late that you were there
• for letting our friendship go....

Mostly I am sorry that I cannot be face to face today with some people that I once cared deeply for (even those that I did not value enough at the time) and tell them straight up.

Freedom.... and other tandom stuff

What I love about summer VACATION.....

1. I do not have to have school uniforms washed and "pressed"- well at least not in a wrinkled heap!
2. I do not have to remember to wash above said uniforms.
3. I do not have to haul my bum out of bed and get above said uniforms to the correct child. Yes- I know I should do this the night before. It is a very easy task- but I am and never will be a morning person. Something to work on for next year. NOTE TO SELF- prep school clothes at night!
4. Pack lunches- no I no longer (or should I say my husband no longer) needs to plan lunch 5 hours before it is due to happen. We can live fancy free and decide what our lunch is going to be on a whim- within 5 minutes of consumption. Delightful!
5. I do not have to shower before getting the kids off to school- or fear who my un-showered self may bump into dropping the kids off to school. My hair really does resemble Einstein's each and every morning!!!!
6. Every child can pull their bony little butts out of bed at just about any time they want- regardless of what time their siblings got up.
7. Bedtime- what bedtime.....
8. Cartoons in the morning- thank you PBS. No I am not advocating couch potatoes- but hey clifford and gang are a relaxing way to wake up. No news, No video games, No fighting, No MOOOOOM_ where's my..... MOOOOM can you get. They are happily zoned out for a while.... pushing the sleep out of their eyes. Still to tierd to care which child was clever enough to snag the prime position on the couch.

Today

• cinnamon rolls for breakfast- treat to celebrate!!!!
• Rain and thunderstorms all day- so we can enjoy each others company endlessly! (At this point this is a good thing- in about a month- well- really there could be tears about spending so much togetherness time inside)
• Games, Wii- Indiana Jones baby..., Crafting, Scrapbooking...
• Decorating the new flower press
• Playing school- yes I have a Kindergardener- well First Grader now.... and I set up a new school corner in the playroom (used to be dining room- love it - hate it. Very bittersweet momment turning over my lovely dining room - you know the one that is technically only used at Christmas and Easter- over to the children. But if you read my post from yesturday it was really all for this girl. Playtime- therapy time all day so to speak and she doesn't even know it.)
• Lunch on a whim- not the picnic I imagined a week ago- due to rain- but on a whim anyway
• My daughter has declared that she plans to stay in her jammies all day- works for me.

Summer Vacation = Freedom!!!!!!

Confessions

I have a sort of confession....

Something that has been part of my world for a while- yet it just hit me today.

WHAM

My daughter has apraxia.

A-P-R-A-X-I-A- I keep yelling this word over and over again in my head- Maybe if I yell loud enough it will go away. But it won't go away- at least not for a while- maybe not ever. But I cannot let myself think about that- but I am thinking about THAT.

I know that there are more involved disabilities/disorders out there. I know that she has a more mild case (not correct terminology- but lack of better)... I know that her prospects are probobly good. I know that I am doing good by her. I have worked with people of all ages with all kinds of disabiliites. I know that I could have it so much worse.... but I do have it so much worse- because this is MY child... this is MY issue.... this is MY responsibility. And I feel like I need to fix it. I know I can't just fix it. But I'm the MOM- that's my job. But I can't.

So it hit me today....

that my daughter has apraxia...

today after therapy.

After therapy that has been going on for over a month.

After the therapist handed me picture symbols to use... I've used picture symbols for years ( at work, at school, etc). I even own the software.

But these picture symbols were for me--- worse they were for Her. They were to be used in our everyday stuff--- not just wow what a cute/good/professional job I did making a communication board for someone else. This time--- someone made one for us.

So it hit me. HARD...

I am I feel raw... and deflated... and defeated... by life.

I know that it will go away and tomorrow I will return my child's warrior.

But today I am letting it all pour out... all of it.... I think I need to....

She wasn't an easy pregnancy... (easy birth- thank God)... I walked on egg shells from my 20th week on- hoping that she would go full term... hoping she would survive. We named at 20 weeks, so that if anything happened to her- the kids would have a name to go with her... so I would have a name to go with her. We named her to give her spirit strength....

All of that has nothing to do with this- yet it has everything to do with this. Because I think I am finally letting the feelings that I held so quiet in my heart- for these past three years. I was strong... I knew she would live... I knew that we would both survive.... and in self-preservation I just did not let my thoughts go there. I knew God had a plan for us--- and that was to live--- I felt it in my heart.

So now--- we have another road to travel. Today I am sitting in the mud of it all --- feeling very sorry for myself.... feeling sorry for her.... just feeling...

Tomorrow is another day--- with another attitude.

Tea for two..... or ten!

This is how my table was graced a month ago for my daughters

6th birthday party. She was insistent on a tea party. So all the lovely girls dresses in their dresses and assessories and made an afternoon of it. It was hilarious. I thought my daughters were assessory queens but oy- there were a few girls who wore their pearls- all ten strands of them. We made tiaras, fairy wands, played vintage pin the tail on the donkey and tea party game.

My husband was so funny- he couldn't believe that I pulled out all the tea cups- real ones, the special ones, grandma's tea cups, etc. He was like What if they Break? And you know it just didn't matter to me. That's what tea cups are for- for tea (or in our case pink lemonaid- that we called pink tea). All my tea cups look adorable in my heirloom china cabinet that goes back a century and a half, but they are made to be used first. It was very liberating and much fun!!!!!! And of course the girls were in their element!

I used my grandmother's vintage tablecloth- and a few of her tea cups, tea pot, and stuff. It made me feel like she was there with us somehow. Made me remember my childhood. When I would sleep over at her house, she would always provide me with my own little teapot (filled with milk) at breakfast time- to pour into my cereal. She would always add to the bathtub Milk-stuff- at least that's what she called it "milkbath". I guess it was supposed to make your skin very very soft. We would stay up and watch old Elvis Presley movies- Blue Hawaii- and she would fall asleep on the couch- I would wake her up when it was over and time for bed. In the summer we spend all day in her pool in the backyard. At snack time she didn't even make us get out- she just brought cookies and lemonade to the side of the pool and made a sort of "snack bar".

Yesturday was her birthday- appropriately June 1st. And I am missing her terribly. Maybe it is my childhood I miss- maybe it is the ease at which life was. But I miss her none-the-less. Maybe I should get out her tea cup today and fill it with lemonade- just because....

Floating Along..........................

There is so much I could be doing today...... BUT

I am just hanging out-

And it's OK.....

I sometimes need to remind myself that... life does not

always have to be a mad race to the finish.

On my list this wonderful Friday

1. Go to the local school supply store and look for stuff for summer. I plan to put magnetic paint on the door to my basement and load it up with educational/fun stuff for my Kindergardener soon to be First Grader. She just loves the stuff...
2. At the same place I plan to find some early communication tools for my 2 year old. She's now in speech therapy- for articulation. She doing great but I need some tools to make it easier for me to work on all the things we are supposed to work on each and every day. Big stuff and I feel a huge weight of responsibility to get her to where she needs to be. Trying very hard NOT to show any stress to her- but it is stress, and guilt and fear and wonder all wrapped in one.
3. Clean up around the house- A LITTLE. Laundry, picking up.
4. Buy some paint- can't paint if we do not have the supplies right!
5. Clean up the ole Rescue Heroes to give to my nephew when he is here this weekend. It is a little bittersweet. Yes, I know my 9 year old will never play with them again- but Oh we had so much fun with those guys when he was little. SO- MUCH- FUN.
6. I may knit- or I may read- or I may do some art. I Receiced from my family a new set of Prismacolor coloured pencils for my birthday. I even dug up my art paper- but I have yet to actually put pencil to paper. FEAR - maybe. I think I am a bit intimidated by all the wonderful art and creativity I witness on the internet. Yes it is VERY inspiring- but it is also intimidating. Sort of setting a standard in my brain that I am not sure I can live up to. Anyhow- it think it is prime time to get over myself and just create something.
7. I really want to go for a walk- but it is a bit of a rainy unpredicible spring weather day around here. And although I do not mind getting splashed on- I do not want my little one to get all wet and damp. So that may need to wait till everyone else is at home and I can just go by myself.
8. Wait for the mail- waitiing for some test grades for school. Hoping and praying I passed. I really do not want to have to re-test. Seriously- do not want that to happen. So hoping and praying and praying and hoping...........

?Why?

I "think" this quote was from Washington Irving.

It has haunted me since I read it. You know all the questions about existence, what am I here for, what is the meaning of life.... all very T.S. Elliot- Prufrockish.

But it is true- why do I attempt to blog (attempt being the reality here!), why am I back at school, why do I want to write.... then of course all the self doubt and loathing steps up, am I even very good, would anyone ever want to read what I write, could I really get published, who will want to hire me, I am too old.....

Why do we/I do this to ourselves?

I am very very proud of myself- I pulled a 4.0 this semester- thus my lack of any posts. I aced both Chaucer and Shakespeare- even while taking them at the same time. I have to admit though- it wasn't all that hard. Yes- it took some discipline- but mostly it was just staying on top of the work and having a good attitude. I have realized that if I apply the same effort to the rest of my life, I can succeed at anything. Yes- I can lose the weight I have been packing since my pregnancy with my third child. If I apply the time and attitude as I do for my coursework- I can lose weight. (Of course I started this while having PMS- so I have to say I have given in to my food cravings- but that is temporary- and maybe necessary- I wouldn't want to have a total metal breakdown).

I have the summer off- at first I felt a bit guilty about not taking any classes this summer. But with my husbands encouragement I realized I do need some time off- to spend with my family, myself and my hobbies. I have worked very hard for the past year without any breaks- and breaks are healthy. I tell people that all the time. When I was working- I would tell my employees that vacation time is healthy, it is there for a reason, take it- even if it is just a day off to read a book. So I am following my own advice. And I am in love with my decision.

Here is my plan for the summer:

• Read a few good books
• Knit- knit and knit
• Watch movies from Netflix
• Pack lots of picnic lunches
• Days by the beach
• Lots of kids craft project- I have been scouring the internet universe and have come up with lots and lots of ideas- you people are pure genius.
• Lots of kid cooking projects
• Healthy eating
• walking a lot
• Days and Days spent outside
• Maybe camping in the backyard?
• Planting some bushes around the house- so needed and neglected that past few years
• Painting inside the house
• Hanging up all the pictures and picture frames stored in my basement
• Finishing up my office in the basement
• Organize, purge and clean (seriously this is important- even for a NON-type-A-personality)
• Scrapbook
• Relax

Thats my list and that is my summer- give or take a few. No pressure- Total Bliss

Mondo Beyondo!

1. What do you want to acknowledge yourself for in regard to 2007?

• My biggest accomplishment in 2007 was returning to college. This actually began in 2006 with a huge leap of faith on my part, listening to the world around me as it nudged me into that direction (more like a huge slap) and then jumping in with both feet. But I actually worked my but off in 2007 and not only returned to school, figured out what I want to be when I grow up, pulled a 4.0 both semesters, and enjoyed every bit of it.


• I am very proud that I did not throw in the towel after seeing my class syllabus- all 10 pages of it!


• I balenced, school, work and family.


• I am teaching my kids a valuable lesson- even though they do not recognize that now.


• I spent less money.


• I was a better wife and mother.


• I got my kids out in nature, beach, hiking, etc. They connect so easily with the world around them.


• Instilled a love for photography with my kids. Pictures taken by 5 year old!


• Feel more complete.


• Paid off and consolodated some debt. Oh the relief.

2. What is there to grieve about 2007?

• I grieve for Isak- my cat that I had for 17 years. I am grateful he is not suffering anymore, but taking him to the vet to be put to sleep was absolutely heartwrenching. I had Isak before my husband and my children. He accompanied me to more cities and houses than I can remember. I miss him. Sometimes I call the new cat Isak by accident.


• I miss my husband's Buscha (grandmother). She died this September right before her 99th birthday.


• I wish my daughter would not have quit dance. I made life easier- but I wish she hadn't quit just the same (She did begin piano though).


• Wish I would have made my kids practice more for their piano lesson. Something I am going to work on in 2007.


• Not having the guts to always be honest.


• Returning to school was hard, sitting next to 19-22 years is hard. It at times made me very self conscious- especially physically. I felt old, I notice my wrinkles, I notice the parts that sag. I should have been more forgiving.

3. What else do you need to say about the year to declare it complete.

• 2007 is very complete.


• I feel as though I have absolute closure.


• It was a good year, no really a great year.


• I do not really feel that it needs an abrupt ending, 2008 is a wonderful continuation.

2007 I declare you complete

Love, Sam

I have a little bit of reading to do!

• Oh yesturday was quite a day. Got my books for Spring semester (lots and lots of reading). $167 dollars for used books. USED! What is up with that?
• Closed out all unwanted- unused credit card accounts. But not without frustration. They do not like it when you close a line of credit. We had one card sent to us- that neither of us remembers ordering. It was Am. Ex. and we just do not use them. So I tried to close the account only to be told that they would not talk to me under any circumstances because I am not the primary listed. I explained that we did not think that we opened this line of credit and would like this reconciled. But no- husband still had to call back. And when he did- he of course had no idea what the password was- because- we do not think that we have ever ordered this card. So they did not want to close it. After much haggeling and many inappropriate questions about our finances we finally go the account closed. Just pisses me off that they will issue a card and will gladly ruin my credit rating (joint state that I live in) but will not talk with me.
• The weather- we had thunderstorms in January. Normally we have frigid temps and blizzards this time of year. In the lower part of the state they actually had 3 tornados touch down. CRAZY.
• Called in sick to work yesturday. I had/have pink eye. Loved having the day off.
• Decided to convert the dining room to a play room. RIP dining room- we only used you a few times a year. And during the rest of the time you were just a dumping ground for misc. stuff.
• Made dentist appoint- need 2 crowns.
• Made eye exam appoint. Need to update my prescription and get new glasses - FOR ALL THAT READING THAT I AM DOING THIS SEMESTER.
• Finished my fingerless mittens. They are not exactly the same length. Not sure how that happened- but they are close- and they are just for me- so they will do. Doing a pair for my mother in law and then starting an adorable ear flap hat for myself.
• In total need of new tunes to listen to. Without Grey's turning out new shows with new music- I am turning to my 17 year old nephew for suggestions. Funny he likes the music I listened to 20 years ago. I told him only contemporary stuff please, I can find the vintage stuff all by myself thank you.
• I am accepting that I need to clean and organize the basement. Oh Boy- do not even know where to begin.
• Soooo disappointed to hear that Martha will no longer publishing Blueprint. It was one of my favorite magazines. It was pure eye candy. I like Domino too, but it is full of way pricey stuff. And I do not live in New York City, San Fran, etc. I just do not have that type of shopping available to me. Heck we do not even have an IKEA close by. The nearest is across state border to Minnesota or Illinois.
• Kids started piano lessons again. Oh Christmas break was wonderful- we had 3 weeks off of piano. I realizes though, that I really need to make this a priority. No Wii until homework and piano are finished. Maybe that will help.
• We planned a short winter break for next week. Swimming and lounging. I'd love to sled or hike or snowshoe but we just do not have any snow. But this is Wisconsin and after this major warm-up and melt down- we just may get that blizzard yet.

With a Little Help From My Friend!

He is so crazy helpful!@#$% Not!

• I am going to work on Mondo Beyondo.
• Bought 2 new swimsuits. Then I realized that I was trying to purchase just the necessities. 1 suit is a necessity at this point. But 2 are not. So I am returning the 2nd one. Just bought it because it was cute, and I couldn't choose between the two. And well, it will be useful.
• My winter break from classes is getting shorter and shorter. And I had aspired to do so many things.
• Glad it is Friday- thankful for so many things.
• Did pilates again today- felt it in my tummy this time. A little sore from yesturday. But I am sticking with it. Joseph Pilates said that "you will feel better in 10 sessions, look better in 20 sessions and will have a new body in 30 sessions." So that is my goal.
• Drinking lots and lots of water. I have had no soda (this is a big deal for me- it is a serious addiction).
• Making salmon, couscous, and butternut squash for dinner. YUM.
• Did I say I am glad it is Friday!

Fire!

• Apparently I am of the Fire Element tonight. I treated myself to the most wonderful massage tonight. I haven't had a massage since I was pregnant with kid #2. Not sure why- just did not take the time for myself or of course there may have been other things I wished to spend my money on.
• Anyway- I am fire tonight- which is totally not like me. I am a Taurus and always very earthy.
• I am taking time this year to create a better me. I promised myself during the beginning of my massage- as I tried to let go of all inner dialogue- that I would make myself healthy again. Wierd thing happened- from somewhere deep inside I heard my core say "Thank You".
• I plan to be healthier in body, mind, spirit and emotion.
• I also did pilates today. I took it easy- haven't done pilates since right after my 2nd child was born (boy kid #3 took it's toll on me). I am not sore, but everything feels just a bit more alive. (Hmmm- maybe that is where the fire comes from). My husband, the physical therapist in the house, said when I tried to explain how I was feeling, "It feels like you got oxygen to all those muscles, hey". He's always technical, and always right. But yes I feel like everything was breathing again. (Hey doesn't fire need oxygen!)
• So I am fire tonight.
• A fire has been lit...

New Edition! and my Word for the Year!

Look what I got myself for Christmas...

Not really planned that way- but he was available and I had a home...

So he was our bestest gift...

He's not always as sweet as he looks in this picture.

And well, he needed to be de-wormed (yuck)

But he purrs a lot and I am his favorite... so he's a keeper.

Wow- 2008. I feel a bit bittersweet about this.

2007 was a big year for me.

(It all started at the end of 2006)

But I finally stood up to my GHOSTS.

I finally created a NEW dream.

I am finally doing something for MY future (well and ultimately for my family as well)

But right now it is mine...

Mine to own...

Mine to live...

Mine to complete...

Last year my WORD FOR THE YEAR was FORWARD

It really did become my mantra- even if it was subconscious...

When I got down on myself- I would just say (usually in my head)-

KEEP MOVING

ONWARD

FORWARD

and OBJECTS IN MOTION STAY IN MOTION

Sometimes I moved FORWARD with my eyes open...

And sometime with them closed.

But I did it.

And I still need FORWARD.

I am the type of person who likes to lye down and close my eyes and forget the world around me... and hope that the world around me forgets me too. It is in my inner nature to stop. To just quit moving- quit trying so hard.. quit trying to prove myself to others.

So although I need FORWARD (godness I feel like I am writing a medieval morality play)

I am moving on to ACCEPTANCE...

Word for 2008 is ACCEPTANCE.

A good word for me.

Something that came to me doing a menial task today and the momment it jumped into my head- I knew it was the one. And I think this year will be a journey of discovering how I am going to define that word for myself. I think it is a very layered word and I have many many levels of myself and my life to sort through.

Mostly I need to ACCEPT where I am going. Where life is taking me.

I need to ACCEPT age- my age, my husbands age, my parents age, my children's age.

I need to ACCEPT that aging is part of my life. It is one of the parts that scares me the most.

So here's to 2007- God is Great! I honestly feel I was very blessed this past year.

And Here's to 2008 because- well it is inevitable.

Winter Bloom!

• Note to self: the days ARE getting longer
• I think I cooked so much over the holiday that I cannot step foot in the kitchen. Thank goodness for leftovers and McDonalds (only for the kids! I am cutting back on consumerism- and calories!)
• Started knitting- I haven't knit since I was pregnant with my first kiddo. That was almost 10 years ago. I am making fingerless mittens (lots of them- they are my knew love.) It was a bit of a challenge remembering how to properly cast on and use 4 double point needles (new thing for me).
• I am also making an ear flap hat. Found the most gorgeous yarn at my local independent yarn store (supporting the little guys!) I could have stayed in that little store all day. The owner is the best. She comes into the bookstore with her kids regularly so she recognized me. She showed me what she was making and talked about all the felted purses I should try. So I will definately be back!!!!!!
• Note: If you have a winter birthday- chances are you will be getting a homemade gift- wink wink!
• I have been forgoing all other shopping- and even put some yarn back on the shelf- I just didn't need it for the projects I am doing at the momment. (Oh- that was a hard one!) Sent the hubby to Target last night - needed diapers and batteries. He's very VERY good at ONLY buying what is on the list!
• Christmas vacation is going by too fast. I love having the kids at home. And I just do not want to give them back to the educational system next week! Love hanging out in jammies until 10 in th morning. Love being able to give baths and showers in the morning instead of at night. Love that they can stay up later- after all it is not a school night. Love having cousins sleep over. ETC. ETC.
• We really need to get back to practicing our piano lessons though!
• I got my grades for the semester. 4.0 - Very relieved, very happy, very, Very, VERY proud. At the start of the semester I really questioned why I was doing this school thing. Did I really want to sit beside these 20 somethings and killing myself to meet class requirements. But it was a lovely semester- I met some really cool people and even learned a thing or too (LOL).
• I remember when classes started in the fall- how lonely it felt arriving on campus. I didn't know a soul. But when I went to turn in my paper and sell my books back the last day- I ran into a handful of people I had class with. We knew each other's names, knew a bit about each other's families, sent holiday well-wished back and forth, chatted with our professor (who is younger than me) and then went our separtate ways. I left campus with a big ole spring in my step!

Challenge!

http://www.quietfish.com/notebook/?p=1284


I am on board for this adventure.

I am so sick of handing my money over to corporate America.
Especially TARGET. Sorry Target- it was good while it lasted- but I am moving on.

We work so hard for our $$$. And yet it just slips out of our wallets like water. Especially at Christmas time. When did $100.00 become small time cash? I cannot tell you how many times I dropped a $100 this month for Christmas presents and when it came time for wrapping it was like- what the heck did I buy!

I struggle with Christmas and the commercialism. I have a hard time balencing my desire to keep it simple and small and humble with the fear of disappointing my children. I did cut back a bit this year- every little bit helps and some of the gifts were things they NEEDED (gasp). Like flannel sheets, a bed, etc. Some big ticket items were possible with family pitching in.

Crazy- I tell you- life has been just crazy!

I am finally finished with my semester, and am ready to re-enter the real world again.

Lots of things I wish to do before I start back up again in January:

• Knit a pair (or 2) of fingerless mittens- my hands just get so cold this time of year
• Make a communication book for my daughter- she is making progress and I know a lot of 3rd child kids who do not talk until they are 3- but my speech therapy training will not let it go- just a little bit of help will make me feel better
• scrapbook- enough said
• finish up a few art projects that are in incomplete stages
• clean up storage area of the basement- started it this fall then neglected to finish
• write a poem
• update this little ole' blog- figure out a new direction
• store all my photos in a reliable backup system.
• same for all my school papers, etc.
• paint my bedroom- ok this one is just a bit idealistic- but if it never gets on the list it will never get done
• clean house- well that is just a given
• clean fridge- ooh not sure what is lurking in there

Happy Holidays!

Sunday- Mosaic

This is what we did today...

• Great weather...
• lots of sun...
• A tractor ride
• 7 pumpkins, 1 green, 1 white, 5 orange
• 1 gourd- green
• 2 bushels of apples- there is a pie in our future

A perfect way to avoid studying. 2 tests this week, both on Thursday.

Oh, almost forgot, LOVED Grey's

LOVE, LOVE, LOVED IT

Grateful Friday

1. Just grateful for Friday! Enough said.
2. I think that the Lochness Monster was just a manatee-like creature, because a herd of them do look a bit monster-ish if you don't know how gentle they are.
3. How are you? Simply Outstanding. That is my catch phrase for the day- week - year. That is the comment I got on my reflection paper that I turned in last week. I was very nervous. We had to turn in 2 of them and I was sure I was going to fail. The comment on my other paper was "This is excellent work as well." Phew! Sigh!
4. Last week I was drowning in uncertainty, questioning WHY- I am doing this whole going back to school thing. I was sure that I could not handle the work. This week I am feeling much better- not completely self-confident- but getting better.
5. Absolutely grateful for the new friends I met this week.
6. Safe- god is great! Almost got smashed up by a car (truck) in the new roundabout. He just pulled out right in front of me when I was in the roundabout. Man- I had nowhere to go. Luckly I was able to stop. And then he had the nerve to make a face at me like I was just a dumb driver. I went and looked up the roundabouts directions and I was in the right lane going the right way- he on the other hand was going straight in a right turn only lane! But in the end= just glad that I am safe. I had a kiddo in the car with me at the time too. God is great.
7. Sunshine
8. Warm breezes
9. New necklaces- this and this- and this
10. New shoes
11. Pizza
12. Homemade chex mix
13. Unicorn birthday cakes
14. Johnny Depp- finally got around to watching The Libertine.
15. Grey's starts up this week- and from the looks of the promos it looks like it should be a good season. Not so sure about Private Practice. I really liked Addison's character, BUT I don't know that I want to watch a whole show revolving around her character.
16. Cleaning up the house- party this weekend- someone turns 2 on Sunday.
17. Thrilled we practiced piano everyday this week- so far- that alone is a big accomplishment, especially on days/nights when I have class.
18. Daughters- how did I get so lucky to have 2 of them! Truely special. Not that my son isn't special. But I am a girly girl and to have all that girly energy running around the house is priceless. (ask me another day and I may say- hey I wished I had 3 boys!)

I am feeling so tierd latey. Really tierd, like can't pick my head up off the pillow- tierd. Like pregnancy tierd ( but not!). Is is the stress, is it school, is it old bad habits, creeping up on me after 18 years? Am I getting sick- my troat does hurt.

I am finally feeling like I know what I am doing in school. Finally. I have a bit of confidence. And I have a drama group for my cultural images class and it is mostly made up of non-traditional students. Hmm. Nice term- non-traditional. Yes, a group of "older" students. The best part is that we are "older" but "wiser". My reading group for the same class is NOT made up of non-traditional students. And well, that group just bugs the hell out of me. Not because they are young- young people have a lot to offer- just not this group.

I always leave class with this heavy feeling in my chest. And today I figured it out. It is loneliness. Walking to and from classes- I do not know anyone. Not a soul. And that is a very lonely feeling for me.

Today is like the end of the week for me. I have 2 classes- 1 in the morning and 1 at night. But then on Friday- nothing, no school, no work. Just me and the little bean, all day long. I am trying to cut back on work so that I get to start off my week that way to. Mondays, me and the bean- I like the sound of that!

As much as I love working at the bookstore, I am having a hard time working, running a household, raising children and going to school at the same time. Oh, and I forgot- being a wife. Because that is really a job too! I mean that in a good way. I am realizing how true that is. I must set aside time for my marriage. I need to be nicer to my husband. Our connection makes the rest of it all so bearable. And when we are functioning as a unit- well we do so much better. Almost 10 years of marriage and I am finally coming to that conclusion.

Tonight is a Jonny Depp night. What a better way to spend a Thurs. night- since Grey's is still a rerun. I borrowed (from a new friend) The Brave and I rented the Libertine. Oh- there is so much to look forward to. Now- If I can just stay awake for it. But it beats the heck out of staying up to continue reading Beowulf!(OK- I secretely admit that I am enjoying Beowulf- afterall I am an English major.)