Numb...

I went through parts of yesturday a little numb.
Like a little explosion rocked the world.
They hung him. HUNG...
I know he was a bad man, a bad soul,
I know that he performed much worse
atrocities on his own people.
I know this.

And yet the swiftness of it all - caught me off guard.

I just wish that in our modern world- we could have found
better ways to deal with people like this.
It just seems in my mind and heart that we should have moved away from
this. Cause even though he is gone- our actions live with us. Our actions
come back to us. And this is a global event in so many ways.
As an American- how will I pay the price for this action.
Where is America's responsibility in this.
I want someone to tell me that good has come out of it. That
IRAQ has healed and is moving forward. But the reports of more
and more death is reported.

It all seems so barbaric, so mideveal, so biblical. The execution, the masses who
were to pay witness, the celebrations, the danger. We have come so far in our technology,
in our lifestyle, in our education, and our work. Yet we are the same. People are the same as they were 2000, 800, 500 years ago. There are many many ways in which we just have not evolved.

"The test of a government's commitment to human rights is measured by the way it treats its worst offenders. History will judge the deeply flawed Dujail trial and this execution harshly," said the watchdog's Richard Dicker.

I know he was an evil man. I know this, yet my heart feels heavy when I think about it.

Grateful Friday

• a long holiday weekend
• being able to link pictures in my sidebar
• this and this
• having fixed a meal that the whole family ate- without much complaint- PRICELESS BABY
• coffee with hazelnut creamer ( a new love)
• having scrapbooked 2 pages yesturday - haven't scrapped in months
• skipping a holiday party tonight - will not have a hang over in the morning
• Payday - need I say more
• finally buying new winter boots for the kids - we will eventually have snow this year
• Warm cuddle duds to keep me extra warm on this damp rainy December night
• finally being able to let my son use his target gift certificates from his birthday- and lots of good sales too - except for the things he bought.
• thankful for a generous child- my son gave $10 of his gift cert. to his sister so that she could buy something too. ( I must be doing something right ) And she did - on sale.
• thankful for cute mermaid costumes and the cute little girl who is parading around in it. Did I mention that she ate her supper without complaining?
• new soft hand towels from my brother and his wife for Christmas
• cute black patten leather shoes - my one year old is a shoe lover (gets it from her mom)
• thankful that we have wine in the fridge - I could have a glass if I wanted too
• thankful that I did all my grocery shopping for the week already.
• thankful for the good long book that I just finished reading. And the new one that I am going to find tomorrow
• grateful that in a few weeks I will start school, start a new chapter in my life, starting new goals and new purpose

I hope that you are able to find a few things in your life to be grateful for. It feels good to write them down, acknowledge the big and the small in our lives. It feels good to share with whoever is willing to listen.

Sunday Scribblings- Change

DETERMINATIONS......
Like most people, I am not very good at keeping
New Year's Resolutions. I am not even very good
at coming up with a list. Not that I think that there
aren't things I could, should, would change. But the
process itself brings fatigue to my mind. So I avoid
it all together.

2007 is going to be another big year of change for me.
As I said in an earlier post, I am going back to school.
School- finish that degree I started 20 years ago.
Earn that last couple of semesters worth of credits
to give myself a little elbow grease when I get back
into the workforce. But basically it is more for
self-satisfaction. See I quit in my senior year, with more
than 100 credits to my name and all my major requirements
completed. Boy if I could go back to my old self and
tell her how things could be, just to get through the
rough patch that she was in at the time. It was a rough
patch, the roughtest that I have ever experienced.
But in hind sight there were so many solutions.
Since I cannot go back in time- I am determined to
focus on the present and the future.

This year I am determined to:

1. Put 100% into all the activities that I commit myself to.
2. Focus on a healthy living environment for me and my family.
3. Continue to purge the excess. Unclutter our living spaces. (This of
course is much easier said than done!)
4. Let go of my need to have more.
5. Put my $$$ toward our debt. There is so much freedom in being debt free!
6. Laugh more.
7. Create more.
8. Enjoy my children more.
9. Love more.
10. Pray more.
11. Appreciate more.
12. Give more.
13. Write more.


Ok- so maybe it does resemble resolutions. But I call it Determinations.
I am determined.

Holiday Traditions

We have this holiday tradition we started a few years back.

Lobster Bisque

It all started one year when my husband had

a patient that owned a fish market store.

He told my husband about this wonderful Lobster Bisque, from Maine,

he gets in the store each year after Thanksgiving. So my husband

bought some. And of course we all loved it (especially my dad).

Now my husband's family is polish and serves up a

traditional meatless Christmas Eve Dinner, complete with fish soup

(this is nothing more than fish, potatoes and water).

So, Lobster Bisque was a wonderful step up from Fish Soup, yet

was still acceptable for tradional purposes.

Well the following year, my husband tried to buy some

more bisque, but his old patient retired from the business.

And darling husband did not try to order from anywhere else until

the week of Christmas. Of course no one had any, and to order from the

internet with such short notice would have cost a small fortune.

He was heartbroken.

So, being the incredible wife that I am, I suggested that we make it, How hard

could it be? Well I combined a few recipies from the internet, to suit

my own needs. (We do not live anywhere near the coast).

And the rest is history.

I finally wrote my recipie down, it really makes life

much easier since I only make it once a year.

Just wish I had taken a nice photo with

the bisque in a nice bowl with a little whipping

cream swirl and a garnish.

Next year, we are now all out of bisque.

Tag, I'm it

A - Available or single: Nope, blissfully married
B - Best friend: husband
C - Cake or pie: cake, yellow cake with chocolate buttercream frosting
D - Drink of choice: coffee with hazelnut creamer, diet Mt. Dew, Bloody Mary with tequilla
E - Essential item you use everyday: mascara
F - Favorite color: Orange and Green
G - Gummy bears or worms: YUCK, neither
H - Hometown: no town just a villiage. ha
I - Indulgence: Esspresso Almonds
J - January or February: February, closer to spring and all pink and red and white
K - Kids & names: Alex, Tessa, Cecilia
L - Life is incomplete without? Christ, my family, my computer, my squishy pillow
M - Marriage date: Oct 11
N - Number of siblings: 1, just a little brother
O - Oranges or apples: Cortland apples, preferably freshly picked.
P - Phobias or fears: snakes, taxes, large crowds
Q - Fave quote:
R - Reason to smile: Healthy children,
S - Season: Love them all, just not necessarily when they are happening.
T - Tag 3 or 4 people: hate tag, never was much fun
U - Unknown fact about me: I forget my age, usually think I am a year older than I really am
V- Vegetable you don't like: eggplant, I've tried, really I have, just can't learn to like them
W - Worst habit: procrastinate
X - Xrays: just dental
Y - Your fave food: scallops, chocolate, chips,
Z - Zodiac sign: Taurus, year of the rooster

Coming up for air

Where did the time go?

The holidays seem like one big blur right now.

And the new year, right around the corner.

New Year- I am always a little sad this time of year.

I hate letting the old year go.

I always wish for time to stand still a bit-

or at least slow down.

The girls have been adorable in the

fairy wings that Santa brought.

I have been watching the Seven Dancing Princesses, Star Wars, making

legos, playing with American Girl Dolls

and having a great time with my kids.

Love having the kids home- all of them.

Love not having to run around town to dance, piano, etc.

Like being able to stay in my jammies all morning.

Wish the sun would come out though.

December has been a very gloomy month.

Some things I have been praying for have

finally come to be. I applied to go back to

college. Very scary for me.

I hate rejection. I expect rejection. I fear failure.

Yet it is going to happen. In January, I start school again.

Be careful what you ask for. LOL

I am nervous, excited, amazed, and overjoyed.

God is great!

The Birthday stuff was fun and now I fall apart

I made some of these Oreo Cookie things. Saw them on this girlz blog. Forgot to put them in the fridge. Remeber to put them in the fridge. It is definately a step that makes the process easier and less messy. But they turned out none the less. I made them for my son's birthday party. Which, by the way, I am doing the happy dance now that it is over. OVER. Until next year. I do not think I can do another party with 12 boys. Maybe just a sleep over with a couple of friends. That's my plan now. But he flashes those baby blues and how can I deny him his hearts desire. lol. And what is a couple of hours anyway. Just a couple of hours that I feel like my head is going to explode from the anxiety of making sure all 12 boys go home in one piece. And that each of them had a fun time. Chocolate oreo cookies always make everything better.

Writing's on the Wall. I never heard this saying before and if I did it didn't mean much. But a few weeks ago I heard this expression 3x in less than 24 hours.

1. My husband was listening to an audiocast of a sermon from a church that he used to belong. He left the room but the sermon was still playing and I started listening to bits and pieces as I was I am sure attempting to clean something. Anyhow, the pastor was talking about the writing being on the wall and he gave a tremendous amount of examples regarding, heath, lifestyle, etc. All very simply put. It touched a cord. Not sure how or why so I put it away in my mind for reference.

2. That same night I was watching a TV show, ok I will admit it, Grey's Anatomy, and the song at the end of the show was Writings on the Wall. Ok I can take a hint. Nothing in life is truely coincidence.

3. Started reading and article in a magazine and again the topic.

So that leads me. What wall, what writing, what is the message I am supposed to be finding. Maybe in my heart I really know. But there are so many messages I should heed. So many we all should heed, from stopping global warming to decreasing the amount of saturated fat in our diets. How do I begin to prioritize this list of shoulds, how do I begin to heed the words I hear each day. How do I let go of my fear- and step out of my box and begin to take notice of not the words on the wall, but the small voice inside me that knows what I really need to do. How do I do it? I've held back for so long. I have avoided. I have suppresses. I have denied myself the happieness of the achievement in fear of the failure.

What if I fail? What will happen? Will I fall apart? What if I fail? I want to tell myself I must not fail. My husband tells me I won't fail. But it is a possiblility. Not everything is in my control. And there are monsters to face. My monsters. The ones I keep in my closet. The ones that keep me company when I am at my most alone. What if I succeed and have to let those monsters free? What am I without them? Can I exist without them?

I guess the Writing's on the Wall...

Sunday Scribblings-In the Last Hour...

In the last hour before...
I was numb. Drained. All that was me
ceased to exist. I did as I was told.
I followed those who lead. I became the
child once again and let my parents
show me the way. I let them save me,
I let them help me, I let them love
me the only way they knew how through
such circumstances. I let them pay, I let them
struggle, I let them question. I let them down.

In the last hour after...
I was relieved. I was alone, yet I was loved.
I was tierd, sick, sore, and broken, yet I was loved.
I was uncertain of what each hour would bring.
I was empty and yet full.
Once again I let my parents lead me. I let them love me.
I let them care for me. I let myself need them.
I let the ugly truths come out.
I let my crushed and bruised soul come home.
I was home.

A home that will always open it's doors for me.
A home that is bigger than all of us.
A home that led me to where I am today.

I am not the same as the one who lived those hours
and yet I am. I regret all her mistakes and yet they
led me to salvation. I can still shed a tear for her and
all she endured and yet I can raise her up and sing and dance
in celebration of her and all that she was. I understand
that she needed to survive, for me.

Oh Such a Grateful Friday

1. This boy. He has been my JOY for the past 8 years. Today was his special day. He has been planning, scheming, and anticipating this day for the past 365 days. He loves his birthday so much. At school mass yesturday they blessed the birthdays for the week. I cry each time. "May God bless and keep you, may God's way shine on you. May God be kind to you and give you peace." It is a very powerful prayer when all the children, teachers and parents are signing it as the birthday kids are standing on the alter together.

2. Lego Star Wars II. Oh I am so grateful for this game. This morning my son came to the side of my bed after checking out the presents I wrapped. Each birhtday I let him pick one to open before school. After opening the one he chose he came upstairs and declared "I got my hopes up for nothing. No Lego Star Wars." My response of course was that it was only 7am he had the whole day ahead of him. And yes he got it from his grandparents.

3. The beginning of advent season. I love advent. I love it more than Christmas. And I love that my kids go to a christian school and can celebrate it. Today my preschooler came home with her hand made advent wreath. And today I volunteered in my son's class to help them make their handmade advent wreaths. They are beautiful, all paper. I will take a picture when it comes home. Its a scrapbookers dream- elementary school style. Each week they will make a flame for one of the 4 candles. And not just any ol' flame. It is a bit 3D.

4. Grateful that my kids Christmas concert will be in the church. This has been a hot topic since last year. Someone must have complained that they did not think the school should be using the church and alter in such a way. You know little kids singing their heart out in praise of God. Must not be allowed in a church. So our spring concert had to be in the gym. A gym without any acoustic panels. Awful. But Christmas concerts just shouldn't be that way. So we convinced the principal to try just a little harder to get Christmas in church. Spring concert can be anywhere else, but Christmas belongs in the church. Amen!

5. Very Very grateful that I got around town without any accidents. We were not supposed to get snow. Just light flurry- dusting. But we got enough to ice the roads. And I was supposed to turn left to get to the grocery store at a semi-major intersection and my car would only turn, skid to the right. So to the right I went. And the road was so icy I was not about to turn around. So I took the long loop back and stopped by a different grocery store that was in that direction. But we were all safe. My sister in law- however was not so lucky. Her car was towed after someone smacked into her while she was stopped. But still grateful she was not hurt. Made sure she has a couple glasses of wine tonight!

6. Grateful that I found the recipies from a cooking class that I took 10 years ago. Gourmet recipies, pasta recipies, dessert recipies. Even if I don't make them (although I do plan to try) they bring back some great memories.

7. Grateful that I had time to do everything I needed to do today and enjoyed myself every step of the way!

8. Grateful that I can get my hair in a ponytail again.

9. Grateful that I finally found my missing slipper. Could only find one. Yeh they are a little bit used up, with a very well disguised hole and all, but they are prefectly broken in, wonderfully warm and orange boiled wool. Wearing them right now and probobly everytime I post on this blog this winter.

10. Grateful that we are putting up our tree this year. Probobly going to put up the artificial one this year ( I prefer cutting down our own from the tree farm, but there just isn't a good time to do it this year). And especially grateful that my husband is planning to assemble it (this has been my job each year we use it). I am hoping he does the lights as well, since I am more than willing to let that job go to.

(digital kit by Holly McCaig, Plain Digital Wrapper)

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas around here. I think that this is going to be our Christmas card this year (Card kit from Holly McCaig- so really she did all the work). I made a few others- because I was having so much fun with my Adobe- Photoshop Elements 5! Yes I upgraded from Paintshop Pro. (Not dissing Paintshop- it sure fillied the void) Elements is so much easier! So much!! And the best part about it is that I bought it online at this place for half price on Thanksgiving.

A big Thank You to this girl for mentioning it on her blog. Now I am not the kind of gal who will get up early, hunt for parking, stand in line, to buy anything on Black Friday. So I was doing a little surfing- hoping that there would be some deals- and there were (couldn't find any on the printer I wanted though!) The shipping cost was so worth staying in my nice warm bed until 8am and my jammies even longer.

This is another card kit I love. Might just buy it for next year's card!

Poetry Thursday- Walls

Casual Killer

Undisclosed doorway
I decend through
your depth
disengaging
from all response-
you drink down my
distress.

Provisional portal
I no longer
dispute your power,
passive to suppresion-
it plagues my
principle.


Casual keeper
I cannot consent
to contract
my character
to your control-
STOP-
I crawl from your
crime.


Walls- I found this to be an interesting prompt. Years ago I wrote this poem. Took a poetry writing class in college. (Hated it by the way) Having someone (or many people) critique your private work was so difficult. My professor had a hard time with this poem. He used words like " too philosophical" (ok- this is poetry-correct), need better verb than disengaging (wow- what verb would you use?), "I am having trouble seeing this.

And he wasn't wrong is so many aspects. He was right on the money. You can't see through it, you can't see behind it, you can't see what you want to see---- there is a wall. And it is merciless. There is no emotion, no light, no warmth. Numbness all around. Darkness all around. It sucks you down - down - down.

I think that I found truely explaining this poem to the group of people (they were not warm fuzzys) was something I could not do. So they did not get it. I don't think that many of them had hit rock bottom like I had. They couldn't feel how the allegory was like a prison- boxed- rigid.
I can feel it though. Still can - years later.

I know that it is not a great poem- but it is mine. And I prouldly share it with you now knowing that it is mine- was mine- was my space- was my wall. WAS- pieces still hang there inside me (and I know that I could easily pull them back into place to protect once again what little that I had that was mine), but the wall has come down. The wall, that portal no longer holds me in. I let the ghosts fly free within me. At this point in my life- without them I would no longer be whole.

A rainy and yucky Monday here. As the day wore on - my mood began to match the atmosphere. I am on a plan to detox my body of all the schtuff I put in it.

Not sure why I decided to start this week. Read an article in Better Homes and Gardens this week about diabeties. (November is National Diabeties Month). Learned something new, caffine increases blood sugar. Asked a few people in the health field- they didn't know that either. Except- in coffee. It seems that moderate amounts of coffee either decaff or reg. actually lowers blood sugar. Good news. Except that I do not drink coffee. Sure I enjoy a Mocha here and there, but my vice is diet mountain dew. Well. I am well on my way of purging my system of it. Starting with the caffine free stuff to decrease my caffine intake. Doing good on this- except that it depresses me. Depression is creeping in. This happened last year when I tried to cut out caffine. I just couldn't handle the emotions that went with it.

Not going to turn back this time! I will do it.

Cluck Cluck

Despite my frustrations
with the selection
of political candidates-

I did vote.

Felt very proud that I did.

And if any polititians
out there
are reading this blog-
the deal breaker for me was-
who ran the cleanest campaign.
Yes that does matter.
So that is who I voted for in the end.

And hey my guy won!!!!

And congratulations to Chris Edwards and his familiy. Hopefully he can do big things in that part of the world!

Lets talk politics?!

Ok , lets get this straight. I am an American. I take pride in being an American. I believe in the Constitution and all the hard work it took to bring Democracy to this country. I support our troops.

With that said....
I have been so discouraged and embarassed by our upcoming election campaigns. Yes Our polititians should be E-M-B-A-R-A-S-S-E-D!

Who is the role model for Democracy- USA. We pride ourselves on it. We try to spread it like a missionary would. (Just lately with a lot more force).

So I think our polititians and canidates have a responsibility not only to the voting Americans but to the world to run clean campaigns. How can I vote for either candidate when I already know that they lie. They lie to their voters. Their campaigns are riddled with half truths and lies. They will beg steal and borrow to get elected. And yet I also read that it is my duty to vote. Well then give me someone to vote for!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I do not feel that our country is a democracy anymore. It is really a dictatorship between 2 partys. And they just humor us into thinking we have a choice. OK, I have a choice. Who is the lesser of 2 evils? Love that choice. Love this democracy we live in.

Sorry for the rant. Just had to get it off my chest.

Poetry Thursday- Favorite Lines

I have been wanting to participate in Poetry Thursday for so long. But I have been very lazy about it and very scared. Scared to look that deep inside myself again.

I used to be a poet- long ago. I was young, naive and romantic. But as most people exerience at one point or another- I had some life altering experiences. And in my need for self preservation- I closed a few doors inside myself.

But I am needing to re-enter again. And allow the sunlight to reach those dark places. I no longer need to spend time with that girl. She and I can to terms with each other a long time ago. Over the years she finally let me grow up and I finally let her be apart of me again. I love her- and all that she was- but that took a lot of years and self acceptance to reach that place. We are one and we are at peace.

So it's time for a little poetry. Some of hers, some of mine, but all of ours.

It is very difficult to pick just one or two favorite lines of poetry. There are so many swimming in my head. So many memories, sights, sounds, smells, colors and flavors attached to them.

Shakespears Sonnet # 58
"I am to wait, though waiting so be hell,
Not blame your pleasure, be it ill or well."

Dorothy Parker- Men
"They hail you as their morning star
Because you are the way you are.
If you return the sentiment,
They'll try to make you different,"

e.e. cummings
"may i feel said he
(i'll squeel said she
just once said he)
it's fun said she"

Sunday Scribblings- GOOD

The fat man always told me that the “road to hell is paved in good intentions”. The fat man had hips like a woman. When he walked down the hall in his 6 foot greatness he swayed like a girl. A girl with a beard and mustache and a hair do that was becoming more and more like a pompadour to hide the every growing bald spot at the back of his head. The fat man. The fat man carried a picture of his ex-girlfriend in his wallet. This may not seem like such a big deal, except that he has been married for 20 years and has 2 teenage daughters. On occasion, if you are lucky, he will pull out that photo and remind you how “lucky” he was to date such a catch.

“Hey Natalie did I show you this photo I have?” said fat man.

“Oh I think once or twice.”

“Let me show it too you again. Can you believe that she went out with me? What a catch that one.”

“Does your wife know that you have that thing?”

“No”

This is the same man who also carries around a photo of himself, when he wasn’t fat. And every now and then I would be lucky enough to witness the unveiling of that photo to some unsuspecting soul. I would watch that innocent novice struggle with how to complement him on his past physique without, well you know, suggesting that his current one is less than desirable.

God save the fat man.

Or should I say, “Let him eat cake”.

I worked for the fat man for 5 lucky years. Literally worked for- he being my boss and all. Now, you realize that I only gave him the nickname because he earned it. No- not due to body volume- but rather his skinny personality. My nickname for him was actually quite kind. Some of my co-workers had given him more colorful names that I rather not repeat.

Once the fat man put up a new picture in his office, and one could not leave the office without him drawing attention to it.

The fat man would say, “Hey, did you see my new photograph?”

“Oh, well, it’s quite nice?” I say this while looking at a picture of a 15 year old girl, who under normal conditions would be considered a beauty. However in this photo (that has been enlarged to a majestic 11x14 photograph) has her mouth gaping open and her head slightly tiled back as though she is about to throw up.

(laughing) “Not yet- guess what she is saying?”

“Hmmm can’t imagine...”

“She’s saying Daaaaadddd”, more laughing.

“Is she aware that you have added her to your wall of photographs?”

Chuckling (since he thinks he is so very funny), “Not yet, can’t wait for her to stop by after school. You got to get even with them one way or another. You know the way to hell is paved with good intentions”

Then he pokes his head around the door, “Hey Andy, you’ve got to come in here and see my new favorite photo.”

I took my cue and fled before I said anything that might expedite my dismissal from employment.

 

A few tunes to get me by:

1. Crazy- Gnarls Barkley - sexy little tune to get the hips a shakin
2. The Mating Game- Bitter:Sweet - heard this one on Grey's Anatomy & had to have it
3. Destination Vertical- Masha Qrella - another Grey's tune- seems to be a theme going on here
4. Like a Star - Corinne Bailey Rae - good old fashioned tune
5. Going Which Ever Way the Wind Blows- Pete Droge - catchy happy tune
6. Love my Way- Grant Lee Phillips - loved the origional - love this one too Think Big Hair
7. Sand in My Shoes - Dido - such an end of summer tune
8. Gotta Have You- Weepies - can't get enough of this tune love the rhythm
9. Axel F- Crazy Frog - what can I say- I've got kids and they love this old stuff. This ones for the boy.
10. Come to Jesus- Mindy Smith - I am a Christian- but I have a hard time getting into Christian music- but this one works for me.

Sunday Scribblings- Freezing Time

I spend way too much time sitting at my computer, reading about other people’s thoughts, dreams, wishes and achievements. I have been so inspired by what people, women especially, are doing in their daily lives, ordinary people, people like me. That’s just the point, people like me. We are not celebrities, superstars, or even superheroes. There is a connection that I feel when I read or admire someone else’s work.

However inspiring the work may be, I do not have the time to admire and also create. Once I turn on my computer, sit my bum in front of my black flat panel screen and click the old internet icon, I get sucked right in. Sometimes I do not know how much time has lapsed since I last came up for air. Sucked into the web abyss. Quickly I become inspired. But it is like an addiction. And anyone who has had an addiction knows that it is almost impossible to know when to stop. So I go on and on, letting my little addiction suck the inspiration right out of me and steal my time away.

We are always chasing time. And yet- time is constant. It is regulated mathematically.
Although our bodies are bound by the laws of physics, chemistry and biology, our minds and souls work on the properties of perception.

I do not need more time. If I had it I would just waste more of it. What I wish is that I could appreciate what I have when I have it, that I could be driven by my own motivation and be satisfied by what I have and what I am. I often allow my fears to consume too much of my time, too much of my life. I have allowed my insecurities to keep me from achieving some of my dreams and desires.

A year and a half ago I was pregnant with my third child. I quit my job and stayed home with the kids. In the beginning, summertime, it was wonderful. I has so much time to be outside, play games, clean my house, cook healthy meals. But after Cecilia arrived, and the kids went back to school and the weather turned from fall to winter, I had too much time. Too much time to fill. And I felt stuck. Having such a small baby at home rooted me to the house and the regular daily household chores. I went through the same daily routine each and every day. I felt like the characters in the movie Groundhogs Day with Bill Murray. I felt stuck. S-T-U-C-K. And that’s what I think it would feel like to stop time. Time is momentum. And as I’ve said before, physics and chemistry. Momentum is necessary.

But if I could go back in time just to visit once in a while, that would be the icing on the cake. I could visit my grandparents again. Swim in their pool in the back yard on a hot summer day. Sipping lemonade and eating Pecan Sandies by the side of the pool. Ride on Papas back as he dived beneath the water. Feeling the sun burn into my skin. I would like to visit that day every now and then.

I would also like to go back to the day that my first child was born. It was such a high, all of them were really, but the first one. I felt so connected with God. I felt as though I had accomplished so much. My family was so excited and so proud of me. My grandparents were so excited to see Alex that they were there within an hour of his birth. They played pass the baby, oxygen monitor and all. The love in that room was incredible. I could feel it, taste it. It was delicious. When it was time for bed and everyone had to leave, my grandfather kissed me on the head and thanked me. At 84 years old, he thanked me. It was one of the last memories I have of my grandfather. Although at the time of Alex’s birth we did not know, he did not know, that he would not be with us much longer. But that day was magic. Absolute magic.

So no I have no dreams of stopping time- I would just like to once in a while, use my superhero powers to time travel now and again.

 

Grateful Friday

1. New friends that are becoming GOOD friends. Scrapping friends!!!
2. My children's school. It started this week. And as much as I love having my kids home with
me. Love knowing they are in a good school. And it was dress down week. Didn't have to
worry about clean uniforms.
3. My savings account actually has enough in it to pay our property taxes. Relief.
4. Napping baby. She's finally at a point where I can put her down for naptime or bedtime when
she's tierd and she will get herself to sleep.
5. Last night having a my baby fall asleep on my shoulder while I watched Grey's Anatomy.
Hubby put the other 2 to bed. So the house was quiet and the baby was warm and snuggly.
6. Speaking of Grey's. This and this is coming soon. And the new season is starting in less than 3 weeks
now. Seriously.
7. Fall weather. Good sleeping weather and sunny days. The best.
8. A 4 day weekend. Kids didn't have school today.
9. Taco Bell Chalupa's!
10. This video that I bought for my hubby. Watching it tonight with the kids, Pj's and
snacks to boot.
11. Having the laundry done. Not put away. But done.

More layouts

He just loves her so much. He couldn't stop holding her and looking at her.
Just love these pictures.
Should post these more often
Now I have pages
and pages
and pages
to post.
Well can't do it
all in one day
So more tomorrow

Finally getting to scrapping
Cecilia's babybook.
Making my own pages.
Having fun.
Using stuff from my Jenni Bowlin kits.
Having fun.
Can't believe she is almost a year.
Hard to believe that a year ago she was still in my belly.
My big belly.
The paper on these two are actually the same color.
Just bad photos.
Need scanner.
Need printer
Want new camera.
Want tablet.
Oh the list goes on and on.

Grateful Friday

1. Cool August Weather- we were just on vacation in St. Louis. Oh boy St. Louis is August is just a killer. Nothing like home. I do not know how you gals south of the mason dixion do it!!!

2. Fun pictures from our vacation. Love this one. Had to lay down on the ground to get it. Lots of people were staring at me like I was nuts. Hey I'm a scrapbooker!!!!!

3. School starts. Not only do my kids need it- but so do I. I co-chaired the teacher back-to-school luncheon. It was wonderful seeing those eager faces (the teachers that is!!!) Those smiles won't last for long!!!

4. Catholic education (any christian educ. that is)- love that we have prayer service the night before school. Love that we bless the backpacks. Love that we feel comfortable praying with and for each other. It's worth every penny.

5. Did I say cool weather. It's only 74 degrees here today.

6. Gap - favorite T. Went on an outlet mall spree at Gap and scooped up a few juicy colors for myself since they were only $7.50.

7. Sunflowers. Went to the farmer's market yesturday and bought a few bunches.

8. Scrapbooking friends.

9. New Heidi Swapp products!!! And my August Jenni Bowlin kit. Haven't used it yet. Didn't want the mess of it before vacation. But can't wait to dig in this weekend. Seriously love her kits!!!

10. Glad to be home. Home is so wonderful when you are on a 10 hour car trip (one way)!!!!

Knocked Out

Well I didnt make it to round 2. Not real happy about that- but that the way it goes.

LSS-week 1

Almost didn't
follow
through
with this one.
Seemed simple
enough.
Just wasn't
sure
how real
I could be and
put myself
out there.
Glad I
did.

Here it is.....

C-H-E-E-P

Boy, do I need to update my little ole blog.
I've been very neglectful this summer.
But hey-
It's S-U-M-M-E-R. I
t's going by way too fast.
Way fast.
The kids and I have been keeping busy.
Having fun.

Did I tell you we are saving the world
one critter at a time.
It all started with this little guy.
Oh they wanted to keep him.
And I was just the mean mom for making them release him back to
his home.

Then this little guy literally fell from the sky
(ok the big pine tree)
and into our laps.
Probobly a gold finch.
Took him to the nature reserve
where they found a good home to feed him
until he is able to be released back into
(dare I say)
the wild.
Yes these city streets are very
very much the wilderness.





See keeping busy!!

Cheep, cheep.

And if you want to read a good childrens book
about a little bird found on the streets
of Manhatten,
check this book out.

Tunes Tunes and more tunes!

Love I-tunes. Love being able to just
purchase the songs I want. Love not
having all these CD's laying around.

Here's some good ones:

1. Hips Don't Lie- Shakira (wish I could move like that-you have to watch the video at least one time)
2. Be Gentle with Me - The Boy Least Likely To
3. Other Side of the World - KT Tunstall
4. Not Ready to Make Nice- Dixie Chicks (So happy they have come back to us all firey and political. Love it)
5. Somewhere a Clock is Ticking - Snow Patrol
6. Am I Just One- Carrie Ott
7. The Blower's Daughter - Damien Rice (Haunting)
8. Black Horse and Cherry Tree - KT Tunstall (Whoo Hoo!)
9. I'll Be Here a While - 311
10. My Oh My - David Gray

Oh my Gawd!

It has been so long since I have visited my little ol' blog. I have been completely unispired to write. Not uninspired- just nothing that I had to get out of my head.

Started working again. A little love/hate relationship with that one. Like getting out! Like getting a paycheck!! But hate carting the kids around to the sitter (which is my mom- I know very lucky- and she lives very close) But still takes more time out of the day than it should.

Love working at a children's book store. I have learned sooooo much about the business- retail and publishing. Boy is that business down to a science.

School is almost out for the summer- two more days. I can't wait to have all the kids home. Like them home with me.

I stopped doing digi layouts for a while and started the old regular way. Paper scrapping. Took me a while to get into the groove. I missed the "erase button" and the "undo" button. Boy once you cut a real piece a paper there it is. You are stuck with it. But I am getting the hang of it again. Need to do the baby's book. Will post pics soon. Don't have a scanner that does 12 x 12, so I am working on doing it with the camera.

Feeling Blue

Haven't visited my little ol
blog in a while. The computer
break was good. Too much
computer makes me
a little unsocial.

Got a job this week. Just couldn't
stand not receiving a paycheck.
So I will be working at a little
bookstore in town. It has a bit
of charm and rooms of children's
books. So I am offically no longer
a SAHM. Almost made it a year.
Not really working much though, just 11
hours a week. I was so nervous for my
interview. I haven't interviewed for a
job in over 12 years. And I was used
to being the interviewer not the
interviewee.

I didn't really think they would
take my application seriously.
Think I was overqualified.
I though I may have to defend
my claim that I am not looking
for a career, just some time for myself
and a place to see different walls and
different faces. A place where I am
known by my name and not Alex's mom, etc.

The pay isn't much. But it will help pay
for some things that I want and do
not let myself get. We also have some
student loans we would like to finally
rid ourselves of. And next year I would really
like to persue my own business. But not
until the loans are gone, gone, gone.
Not willing to take that kind of risk with
extra debt on my shoulders.

I got a job this week. Scares me a bit.
I am once again on someone else's time.
I like being on my own time. Doing my own
thing. Scares me a lot. I enjoyed not having
to arrange any childcare. My mom is watching the
girls while I work. Very short shifts. But still
she goes on vacation, she has a life. The one
good thing about daycares is that they do
not go on vacation.

Enough of this... it's just another phase
in life. My birthday is coming up. My daughter
just had her party today. Her birthday is Tues. And mine is
five days later. I see her grow up and it makes me feel older.
I am getting older. And I do not want to. Want us all to stay right
here. I like where we are at. I like that we are all healthy and young
and fun and cute and cuddly. I like that there is still a baby in the house
and that I can play princess and playstation. I love that I
get to have a tea party with 2 lumps of sugar in my tea
each day. I love that my kids are at ages where they still like
to be held and kissed and hugged. That they still believe in Santa and
the Easter bunny and the toothfairy. I want to capture these momments
but they seem to slip away so fast. The days and weeks go by so fast.
I feel like Alex just started first grade and now summer vacation is almost
here. He is reading. He reads to his sister. He reads to me. He reads
signs and the newspaper and magazine covers. When did all this happen-
where was I this past year. Where have I been. What have I been doing.

Maybe that is my solution to these feelings I have. When I was working
the projects and day to day activities were very tangible. Each year a
raise and a performance review to summarize the past years activity.
I think that I will give myself a performance review. Hmmm.

Time for bed. My brain is hurting. Too much birthday cake. And her
birthday isn't even here yet. When did birthdays become a multi- day
event. No matter how hard I try my kids birthdays just drag out. I am
always so happy when they are over. Not Tess's though. Because mine
is 5 days after hers. Her could just linger on forever. Wouldn't mind just
stalling my birthday for a while.

Imagine- Journal entry #13 & tales from the dancers darkside

A layout that is not entirely digi. I do own some
paint and gel medium! But I have to admit- holding
a baby made me switch to digi for the journaling.
But the rest is entirely paper, paint and glue.

Feeling inspired by Twistedsoda to tap into
my tactile stuff and get my hands a little dirty
this last week of the challenge.

Stood in line today for almost 2 hours to buy tickets
to my daughters dance recital. (she's 3). So rediculous.
You'd think we were buying tickets to a rock concert.
Tickets went on sale at noon. People start lining up at the
latest 11. No kidding.

My friend needs handicapped seating for her mother- and
of course the theater has limited handicapped seating- we were
there at 10:45. Got her seats. I go an aisle - since my mom is
clausterphobic in auditoriums.

Hope I don't offend anyone- but some of these moms rival the
little league dads. I was very grateful that I go out alive.

Shades of Grey #2

There is a little weekly challenge going
on at Simply Sara... Shades of Grey.
Check it out.






















I had a hard time with this layout. It was about what
thoughts I could leave my children. I honestly do
not know what I would want my children to know if
I were facing my mortality. All I know is the day to day
of the present.

We had a tough week. For some reason most of us,
even the adults, were crabby. Imagine that crabby
parents. Practicing spelling was a particularly difficult
task this week. We go through it but not without a
few life lessons. This lovely dry erase board message
is what you get when your children need to make
a point- and they know how to read and write.

Other than writing a "b" backwards- his spelling
on this was perfect!

Coffee- How about a Diet Dew

You are a Black Coffee

At your best, you are: low maintenance, friendly, and adaptable At your worst, you are: cheap and angsty You drink coffee when: you can get your hands on it Your caffeine addiction level: high

What'>http://www.blogthings.com/whatkindofcoffeeareyouquiz/">What Kind of Coffee Are You?

Give me back my Star

This is what happens when your children learn how to
read and write and then get angry with you.
This little message was left for me after bedtime in
response to my son losing a star from his star/chore
chart for throwing something at his sister. An accident of course.
But I am trying to teach him that he is responsible for his actions-
even if they are done accidentally.

THINK BEFORE YOU DO OR SAY...

(I know it's a big lesson that even most adults haven't learned-
But if I can teach him some humilty- I will have done some good
as far as motherhood goes.)

It's been an unusual week. All three kids have been
crab monsters!!! Seriously- Everyone has been crabby-
ALL WEEK.

So now it's the end of the week and I am (ahem) a bit
crabby. It's been hard working on my art journal for
Rhonna's 21 day challenge. But I am proud to say that
I have still been completing my new habit. I am walking
come rain or shine!!! Whether I want to or not. I have made
myself get off my lazy but and move. I even have the kids
doing it too.

New habit - family style. Surprisingly it is already paying off
Not only is it starting to feel better to my body- but I am getting
a bit more toned in just this short time. NO kidding. I fit into a
pair of jammy pants that are my regular size. Still a ways to go
before I get my pre-pregnancy jeans on. But if I keep this up
I think it will happen. Power of positive thought.

I really want to fit into my summer shorts, because I do not
want to waste money on shorts that I have no intention of wearing
any longer than necessary. Even cropped pants- I still cannot fit my
behind in them in any sort of cute way. Although, progress has been
made...
I can get them on..
I can button and zip them....

Just can't sit comfortably or wear anywhere other than the safety of
my bedroom. HA.

Songs I am listening to this week:

1. Chewing Gum (vocal mix)- Annie
(Don't know why- but loving this song)
2. Breathe - Telepopmusic -
(Makes me want to go for a car ride)
3. Only You - Joshua Radin
(Very mellow)
4. Whenever, Wherever- Shakira
(Very Sensual, makes me want to be young again)
5. Happy and Free - Vaughan Penn
(Just because I like the words)
6. These Words- Natasha Bedingfield
(Dance to this one with the kids- we jam with
our spatula microphones- great fun)
7. They-Jem
8. Vegas Baby-The Weepies
9. Counting to 100- Matt Wertz
10. Unraveling - Deb Talan (Anyone ever feel that way?)

Letting Her Go

"We find it when we settle deeply into the hidden, more loving
dimensions of any momment, allowing life to be what it wants
to be and letting ourselves be who we were created to be."

I so want to be the one I am meant to be. But I am afraid.
I am afraid that all that I have built up will come crashing
down. I am much more vulnerable than I appear. And
those that love me most- have looked to me for support.
I support thats what I do. But I have struggled in finding
those that will support me. I have a wonderful husband
who is encouraging me to follow my dreams. He's actually
excited. More excited than I am. He would like me to do it
today and I know that he will help me.

But... he's never had to pick up my pieces. In our almost 9
years of marriage- it just hasn't been necessary. But if I must
go deep to find my courage- that means I am going deep.
And there are lots of things deep within that I really do
not want to have resurface- some things that are at the core
of me. Pieces of me. Pieces of me that existed a long time ago.
A girl who existed a long time ago. I put her aside, away, battered
and bruised. Broken. Like the bird that hits the window and you find it
laying on the grass with it's wings extended in odd angles. The bird
that you put in a shoe box with some grass for comfort and place
it in a safe place so that neighborhood preditors cannot take
advantage of it's injury. Safe.....

I am not that girl... and yet I am. I will protect her always.
But to go deep and find my courage, means that at some level
inside me- I will have to face her. Face her and possibly let her
go. And I am afraid to let her go. Let her go. Can I exist without
her? Can I?























"Toward the end of his life, the literary giant George Bernard
Shaw was asked what person in history he would most
like to have been. His response was that he would most
like to have been the George Bernard Shaw he might
have been and never became."
Marianne Williamson, The Gift of Change

"Marcy, you made egg soup!"
(from "It's The Easter Beagel Charlie Brown")

We colored eggs this weekend. My daughter
treats them as though they are alive and
mini-pets. I am trying to convince her that
they love to live in cool dark places i.e the
fridge. However she insists that she should
be able to take them to bed with her at
night. So I have to do a bed check at
night just to make sure she didn't sneek
any away.

Well, I survived the first week of the 21 day
challenge. This week already seems harder and
it has just begun. My body feels beat up and
bruised. Walked in the rain yesturday. Even with
my rain jacket I ended up soaked. The rain
ran down my rain jacket onto my pants.

Watched Grey's Anatomy last night. George
used to be my favorite character- but he has
been so mopey. So he did the nasty with
Merideth. Merideth broke George. That's what
happens when you sleep with someone who
is broken first. And George knew that about
her. Had he been a good friend to her
he would have approached a relationship with
her in a different way- instead he took advantage
of her and jumped in the sack right away. He is
just as responsible.

That said. I am now a Merideth fan to the end.

Here is my journal page for day 7. I am a little behind
and will post the others when I have some time.

Day 3 Journal and some babble...

I need to change my banner.

Not liking the silver tree
in the back.

I will work on that this weekend.
Can't believe tomorrow is Friday.
My friend Julie doesn't think that
Friday's should be a big deal to me
now that I am at home with the kids.
But Fridays RAWK. It means that
everyone is home on Saturday. Means
that I can stay up late with the
baby and rent a movie (we don't have
cable and Friday night TV sucks)and
get to sleep in Saturday morning. Love
that I have the option to sleep in on
Saturday mornings.

See Friday's still a big deal.

Hump day- not so much a big deal anymore.
Middle of the week- is just middle of the week.
But one of the perks of being a SAHM is that
Sundays no longer suck. I used to hate Sundays because
the next day was Monday. Back to work.
But now Mondays don't suck anymore either,
because I get to spend most of the day at home.

Not even much running around picking up kids on
Monday's.


What I am listening to this week:

Loving itunes lately.
1. Sorry (Madonna) - wish that song had come out when I was in
college. Could have learned something from those lyrics.
2. Is This Love (Bob Marley)- just makes me want to be on the beach with my feet
in the nice warm sand dancing with my hubby. Reminds me
of our honeymoon on St. Lucia.
3. You Get What You Give (New Radicals)
4. Starry Eyed Surprise (Paul Oakenfold)- reminds me of summer, roller bladding
sounds like a commercial or something
5. I Won't Be Left (Tegen & Sara)
6. The World Spins Madly On (the Weepies)
7. Gotta Have You (the Weepies)
8. Middle of Nowhere (Hot Hot Heat)- makes me wish I was a 20 something and could
still have crushes on young musicians
9. The World at Large (Modest Mouse)- because sometimes thats just how I feel
10. It's My Life (No Doubt) - Because sometimes that is just what I want to shout


Here is day 3 of my 21 day challenge.

Day 2 journal entry
was much more than
I expected.

Just happened.

Can't wait to
see what comes
next.

I've been doing my
walking- which by the
way is the new habit
I desire to create.

I've been walking
the kids to school.
Been walking the kids
home from school.

Walked the dog. Boy was
she happy. (And so was
I- I didn't have to use
the lovely plasic bags
for any doo doo duty.)
--that's why I never walk the dog!!

See there was a reason for
the photo of my tennys. I should
do a before and after photo. Bet they
don't look the same.

Maybe- just maybe I will
have to buy a NEW pair of
shoes. Oh the sacrifice.

Lovin' everyone's art work,
journaling and journeys.

It's Not Easy Being Green

You Are Teal Green

You are a one of a kind, original person. There's no one even close to being like you. Expressive and creative, you have a knack for making the impossible possible. While you are a bit offbeat, you don't scare people away with your quirks. Your warm personality nicely counteracts and strange habits you may have.

What Color Green Are You?

I jumped on the bandwagon for
Rhonna's 21 day challenge.
Doin' it digi (less mess) and
I can journal and create with a
6 month old on my lap.

Decided my life was due for a
few good habits (especially if
I am to get my groove back).

So here is my first entry. Dusted off
the old Sketchers and started padding
around the neighborhood, (Pulling a
wagon no less, with 2 kiddos in it- that
should burn a few calories).

Seriously... am I the only one who is not IZZY?

Well I gave a go at the whole Grey's scrap thing.

Not my
typical scrap.

Seriously.

But had a bit of fun
doing it.

Maybe even learned
a thing or two...

Seriously.

Totally thought I would be Izzy.
But, no, I am Christina.

But after some thought, I might
have a few, not all,
of Dr. Yang's personality traits (since it is
obvious that we do not share any physical ones).

I would share what those traits might be,

however,

Christina and I are a bit reserved. We would
prefer to keep that
information to
ourselves. HA