Solstace

• Summer is finally here- yesturday we celebrated the last day of Spring- and today we are celebrating the first full day of Summer
• Lots of colorful crey paper is up and paper balls and twinkle lights and chalk drawings....
• Lots of good food filling the fridge
• Lots of sun... lots of rain... a little hail... all in a summers day....
• Little one is napping- Thank goodness- oh she was the crabbiest.
• The boys are off at a Boy Scout Day Camp- again Thank goodness- gets them out of my hair
• I have a cool diet mountain dew on hand- thanks to my new refridgerator. Cold food- who knew.
• So much laundry to do- I really do not know where it all came from.
• Flip Flops- I used to hate flip flops but have aquired an appreciation for the classic low key summer assessory!
• Counting the days until we hit the beach...
• Lazy kitties sleeping in open windows
• Cool summer sheets- (I feel the same way about warm flannel sheets in the fall/winter) but right now the bamboo sheets are my little bit of heaven at night.
• LOts of good books to read. So far I finished- A Song for Summer by Eva Ibbotson, The Painted Veil by Maugham, Platform 13 by Eva Ibbotson, Who Murdered Chaucer by Terry Jones, et al (Just can't quit reading this stuff- borrowed the book from my Professor- Hoping he will lend me a few more), The Wasteland by TS Eliot....
• Knitting a pair of socks for my niece for Christmas- one sock done- one to go. Enjoying my carefree Thursday evenings knitting at my local yarn shop. My selfish 2 hours of fun - without the kids, without the hubby, without the TV, without interruption. Just crazy girl talk. And it is crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I get to drool over all the yarn on the shelves at the same time.

So far summer has been good. But the Summer solstice is always a little bittersweet for me- that's why I have turned it into a family celebration. I am always a little saddened by the fact that the days are getting shorter from here on out. It like Christmas- I love the month leading up to it- but when Christmas hits- I am always saddened that it is over.

Decisions

This little girl puts up with a lot..... and so does her mommy!

• Seriously- the part I hate most about having a child in therapy services is that it opens the door for people to give unsolicited opinions regarding your parenting. Sometimes even inappropriate opinions.

• So the school social worker came to our home today- to meet us and begin the transition from birth to 3 services to school services. She noticed that C still uses a nuk (pacifier) and gave her 2 cents worth on why she should NOT have one.
• Ok- I am a reasonably educated parent- this is child #3, I am fully aware of the pro's and con's of pacifier use and informed and experienced as to how to ween. I politely explained to her (all the while feeling like I really did not need to offer any explaination or defence of my parenting skills) that she is allowed to have her nuk at only certain times of the day.
• And since she just started therapy and that I am currently potty training her- I was just doing it one step at a time.
• What I really wanted to say is that... if she wasn't at my house having this useless meeting I would be able to focus on my child and take the nuk away- since she in not supposed to have it- she snuk it- feeling a bit stressed that there were strangers in her house once again.

• When we talked about a future therapy schedule- I mentioned that I was in school 3 days a week and that I would need therapy to be on my days off- she was confused and wondered why my mother (who is my childcare) could not bring her to therapy.
• HELLO- I am the mother and want to be involved in my child's treatment. I AM THE MOTHER- this is my job- I WILL BE THERE.

• It is certainly an education being on the other end of the system.

• But at least today I feel strong- I am my child's keeper- MOMMY WARRIOR mode!!!!!!

Sorry....

It occurred to me today- that there are a few people in my life (or better said were in my life at one time) that I really owe an apology for one thing or another.... There were times in my life that I did not do the right thing, or act the right way, or say the right thing. There are people who I could have been a better friend... there are people I was not straight and honest with, people who deserved better from me.

Oh- it is all in the past- but today if I had had a wish- that's what it would have been... to apologize. I was not malicious to anyone- just young and stupid... screwed up priorities, broken heart, human nature....

So here it goes.... I am truely sorry for:

• for the time I should have been a better friend
• for the times I should have been a better listener
• for all the time that I was not completely honest
• for the time(s) that I put my foot in my mouth- and incidentally hurt someone's feelings
• for being weak too weak in spirit and weak in mind to do the "right" thing
• for not trusting you
• for not trying hard enough
• for not giving you a chance
• for not asking the right question
• for being scared
• for asking you to fight my battles for me
• for realizing too late that you were there
• for letting our friendship go....

Mostly I am sorry that I cannot be face to face today with some people that I once cared deeply for (even those that I did not value enough at the time) and tell them straight up.

Freedom.... and other tandom stuff

What I love about summer VACATION.....

1. I do not have to have school uniforms washed and "pressed"- well at least not in a wrinkled heap!
2. I do not have to remember to wash above said uniforms.
3. I do not have to haul my bum out of bed and get above said uniforms to the correct child. Yes- I know I should do this the night before. It is a very easy task- but I am and never will be a morning person. Something to work on for next year. NOTE TO SELF- prep school clothes at night!
4. Pack lunches- no I no longer (or should I say my husband no longer) needs to plan lunch 5 hours before it is due to happen. We can live fancy free and decide what our lunch is going to be on a whim- within 5 minutes of consumption. Delightful!
5. I do not have to shower before getting the kids off to school- or fear who my un-showered self may bump into dropping the kids off to school. My hair really does resemble Einstein's each and every morning!!!!
6. Every child can pull their bony little butts out of bed at just about any time they want- regardless of what time their siblings got up.
7. Bedtime- what bedtime.....
8. Cartoons in the morning- thank you PBS. No I am not advocating couch potatoes- but hey clifford and gang are a relaxing way to wake up. No news, No video games, No fighting, No MOOOOOM_ where's my..... MOOOOM can you get. They are happily zoned out for a while.... pushing the sleep out of their eyes. Still to tierd to care which child was clever enough to snag the prime position on the couch.

Today

• cinnamon rolls for breakfast- treat to celebrate!!!!
• Rain and thunderstorms all day- so we can enjoy each others company endlessly! (At this point this is a good thing- in about a month- well- really there could be tears about spending so much togetherness time inside)
• Games, Wii- Indiana Jones baby..., Crafting, Scrapbooking...
• Decorating the new flower press
• Playing school- yes I have a Kindergardener- well First Grader now.... and I set up a new school corner in the playroom (used to be dining room- love it - hate it. Very bittersweet momment turning over my lovely dining room - you know the one that is technically only used at Christmas and Easter- over to the children. But if you read my post from yesturday it was really all for this girl. Playtime- therapy time all day so to speak and she doesn't even know it.)
• Lunch on a whim- not the picnic I imagined a week ago- due to rain- but on a whim anyway
• My daughter has declared that she plans to stay in her jammies all day- works for me.

Summer Vacation = Freedom!!!!!!

Confessions

I have a sort of confession....

Something that has been part of my world for a while- yet it just hit me today.

WHAM

My daughter has apraxia.

A-P-R-A-X-I-A- I keep yelling this word over and over again in my head- Maybe if I yell loud enough it will go away. But it won't go away- at least not for a while- maybe not ever. But I cannot let myself think about that- but I am thinking about THAT.

I know that there are more involved disabilities/disorders out there. I know that she has a more mild case (not correct terminology- but lack of better)... I know that her prospects are probobly good. I know that I am doing good by her. I have worked with people of all ages with all kinds of disabiliites. I know that I could have it so much worse.... but I do have it so much worse- because this is MY child... this is MY issue.... this is MY responsibility. And I feel like I need to fix it. I know I can't just fix it. But I'm the MOM- that's my job. But I can't.

So it hit me today....

that my daughter has apraxia...

today after therapy.

After therapy that has been going on for over a month.

After the therapist handed me picture symbols to use... I've used picture symbols for years ( at work, at school, etc). I even own the software.

But these picture symbols were for me--- worse they were for Her. They were to be used in our everyday stuff--- not just wow what a cute/good/professional job I did making a communication board for someone else. This time--- someone made one for us.

So it hit me. HARD...

I am I feel raw... and deflated... and defeated... by life.

I know that it will go away and tomorrow I will return my child's warrior.

But today I am letting it all pour out... all of it.... I think I need to....

She wasn't an easy pregnancy... (easy birth- thank God)... I walked on egg shells from my 20th week on- hoping that she would go full term... hoping she would survive. We named at 20 weeks, so that if anything happened to her- the kids would have a name to go with her... so I would have a name to go with her. We named her to give her spirit strength....

All of that has nothing to do with this- yet it has everything to do with this. Because I think I am finally letting the feelings that I held so quiet in my heart- for these past three years. I was strong... I knew she would live... I knew that we would both survive.... and in self-preservation I just did not let my thoughts go there. I knew God had a plan for us--- and that was to live--- I felt it in my heart.

So now--- we have another road to travel. Today I am sitting in the mud of it all --- feeling very sorry for myself.... feeling sorry for her.... just feeling...

Tomorrow is another day--- with another attitude.

Tea for two..... or ten!

This is how my table was graced a month ago for my daughters

6th birthday party. She was insistent on a tea party. So all the lovely girls dresses in their dresses and assessories and made an afternoon of it. It was hilarious. I thought my daughters were assessory queens but oy- there were a few girls who wore their pearls- all ten strands of them. We made tiaras, fairy wands, played vintage pin the tail on the donkey and tea party game.

My husband was so funny- he couldn't believe that I pulled out all the tea cups- real ones, the special ones, grandma's tea cups, etc. He was like What if they Break? And you know it just didn't matter to me. That's what tea cups are for- for tea (or in our case pink lemonaid- that we called pink tea). All my tea cups look adorable in my heirloom china cabinet that goes back a century and a half, but they are made to be used first. It was very liberating and much fun!!!!!! And of course the girls were in their element!

I used my grandmother's vintage tablecloth- and a few of her tea cups, tea pot, and stuff. It made me feel like she was there with us somehow. Made me remember my childhood. When I would sleep over at her house, she would always provide me with my own little teapot (filled with milk) at breakfast time- to pour into my cereal. She would always add to the bathtub Milk-stuff- at least that's what she called it "milkbath". I guess it was supposed to make your skin very very soft. We would stay up and watch old Elvis Presley movies- Blue Hawaii- and she would fall asleep on the couch- I would wake her up when it was over and time for bed. In the summer we spend all day in her pool in the backyard. At snack time she didn't even make us get out- she just brought cookies and lemonade to the side of the pool and made a sort of "snack bar".

Yesturday was her birthday- appropriately June 1st. And I am missing her terribly. Maybe it is my childhood I miss- maybe it is the ease at which life was. But I miss her none-the-less. Maybe I should get out her tea cup today and fill it with lemonade- just because....