"We find it when we settle deeply into the hidden, more loving
dimensions of any momment, allowing life to be what it wants
to be and letting ourselves be who we were created to be."
I so want to be the one I am meant to be. But I am afraid.
I am afraid that all that I have built up will come crashing
down. I am much more vulnerable than I appear. And
those that love me most- have looked to me for support.
I support thats what I do. But I have struggled in finding
those that will support me. I have a wonderful husband
who is encouraging me to follow my dreams. He's actually
excited. More excited than I am. He would like me to do it
today and I know that he will help me.
But... he's never had to pick up my pieces. In our almost 9
years of marriage- it just hasn't been necessary. But if I must
go deep to find my courage- that means I am going deep.
And there are lots of things deep within that I really do
not want to have resurface- some things that are at the core
of me. Pieces of me. Pieces of me that existed a long time ago.
A girl who existed a long time ago. I put her aside, away, battered
and bruised. Broken. Like the bird that hits the window and you find it
laying on the grass with it's wings extended in odd angles. The bird
that you put in a shoe box with some grass for comfort and place
it in a safe place so that neighborhood preditors cannot take
advantage of it's injury. Safe.....
I am not that girl... and yet I am. I will protect her always.
But to go deep and find my courage, means that at some level
inside me- I will have to face her. Face her and possibly let her
go. And I am afraid to let her go. Let her go. Can I exist without
her? Can I?
"Toward the end of his life, the literary giant George Bernard
Shaw was asked what person in history he would most
like to have been. His response was that he would most
like to have been the George Bernard Shaw he might
have been and never became."
Marianne Williamson, The Gift of Change
