Feeling Blue

Haven't visited my little ol
blog in a while. The computer
break was good. Too much
computer makes me
a little unsocial.

Got a job this week. Just couldn't
stand not receiving a paycheck.
So I will be working at a little
bookstore in town. It has a bit
of charm and rooms of children's
books. So I am offically no longer
a SAHM. Almost made it a year.
Not really working much though, just 11
hours a week. I was so nervous for my
interview. I haven't interviewed for a
job in over 12 years. And I was used
to being the interviewer not the
interviewee.

I didn't really think they would
take my application seriously.
Think I was overqualified.
I though I may have to defend
my claim that I am not looking
for a career, just some time for myself
and a place to see different walls and
different faces. A place where I am
known by my name and not Alex's mom, etc.

The pay isn't much. But it will help pay
for some things that I want and do
not let myself get. We also have some
student loans we would like to finally
rid ourselves of. And next year I would really
like to persue my own business. But not
until the loans are gone, gone, gone.
Not willing to take that kind of risk with
extra debt on my shoulders.

I got a job this week. Scares me a bit.
I am once again on someone else's time.
I like being on my own time. Doing my own
thing. Scares me a lot. I enjoyed not having
to arrange any childcare. My mom is watching the
girls while I work. Very short shifts. But still
she goes on vacation, she has a life. The one
good thing about daycares is that they do
not go on vacation.

Enough of this... it's just another phase
in life. My birthday is coming up. My daughter
just had her party today. Her birthday is Tues. And mine is
five days later. I see her grow up and it makes me feel older.
I am getting older. And I do not want to. Want us all to stay right
here. I like where we are at. I like that we are all healthy and young
and fun and cute and cuddly. I like that there is still a baby in the house
and that I can play princess and playstation. I love that I
get to have a tea party with 2 lumps of sugar in my tea
each day. I love that my kids are at ages where they still like
to be held and kissed and hugged. That they still believe in Santa and
the Easter bunny and the toothfairy. I want to capture these momments
but they seem to slip away so fast. The days and weeks go by so fast.
I feel like Alex just started first grade and now summer vacation is almost
here. He is reading. He reads to his sister. He reads to me. He reads
signs and the newspaper and magazine covers. When did all this happen-
where was I this past year. Where have I been. What have I been doing.

Maybe that is my solution to these feelings I have. When I was working
the projects and day to day activities were very tangible. Each year a
raise and a performance review to summarize the past years activity.
I think that I will give myself a performance review. Hmmm.

Time for bed. My brain is hurting. Too much birthday cake. And her
birthday isn't even here yet. When did birthdays become a multi- day
event. No matter how hard I try my kids birthdays just drag out. I am
always so happy when they are over. Not Tess's though. Because mine
is 5 days after hers. Her could just linger on forever. Wouldn't mind just
stalling my birthday for a while.

Imagine- Journal entry #13 & tales from the dancers darkside

A layout that is not entirely digi. I do own some
paint and gel medium! But I have to admit- holding
a baby made me switch to digi for the journaling.
But the rest is entirely paper, paint and glue.

Feeling inspired by Twistedsoda to tap into
my tactile stuff and get my hands a little dirty
this last week of the challenge.

Stood in line today for almost 2 hours to buy tickets
to my daughters dance recital. (she's 3). So rediculous.
You'd think we were buying tickets to a rock concert.
Tickets went on sale at noon. People start lining up at the
latest 11. No kidding.

My friend needs handicapped seating for her mother- and
of course the theater has limited handicapped seating- we were
there at 10:45. Got her seats. I go an aisle - since my mom is
clausterphobic in auditoriums.

Hope I don't offend anyone- but some of these moms rival the
little league dads. I was very grateful that I go out alive.

Shades of Grey #2

There is a little weekly challenge going
on at Simply Sara... Shades of Grey.
Check it out.






















I had a hard time with this layout. It was about what
thoughts I could leave my children. I honestly do
not know what I would want my children to know if
I were facing my mortality. All I know is the day to day
of the present.

We had a tough week. For some reason most of us,
even the adults, were crabby. Imagine that crabby
parents. Practicing spelling was a particularly difficult
task this week. We go through it but not without a
few life lessons. This lovely dry erase board message
is what you get when your children need to make
a point- and they know how to read and write.

Other than writing a "b" backwards- his spelling
on this was perfect!

Coffee- How about a Diet Dew

You are a Black Coffee

At your best, you are: low maintenance, friendly, and adaptable At your worst, you are: cheap and angsty You drink coffee when: you can get your hands on it Your caffeine addiction level: high

What'>http://www.blogthings.com/whatkindofcoffeeareyouquiz/">What Kind of Coffee Are You?

Give me back my Star

This is what happens when your children learn how to
read and write and then get angry with you.
This little message was left for me after bedtime in
response to my son losing a star from his star/chore
chart for throwing something at his sister. An accident of course.
But I am trying to teach him that he is responsible for his actions-
even if they are done accidentally.

THINK BEFORE YOU DO OR SAY...

(I know it's a big lesson that even most adults haven't learned-
But if I can teach him some humilty- I will have done some good
as far as motherhood goes.)

It's been an unusual week. All three kids have been
crab monsters!!! Seriously- Everyone has been crabby-
ALL WEEK.

So now it's the end of the week and I am (ahem) a bit
crabby. It's been hard working on my art journal for
Rhonna's 21 day challenge. But I am proud to say that
I have still been completing my new habit. I am walking
come rain or shine!!! Whether I want to or not. I have made
myself get off my lazy but and move. I even have the kids
doing it too.

New habit - family style. Surprisingly it is already paying off
Not only is it starting to feel better to my body- but I am getting
a bit more toned in just this short time. NO kidding. I fit into a
pair of jammy pants that are my regular size. Still a ways to go
before I get my pre-pregnancy jeans on. But if I keep this up
I think it will happen. Power of positive thought.

I really want to fit into my summer shorts, because I do not
want to waste money on shorts that I have no intention of wearing
any longer than necessary. Even cropped pants- I still cannot fit my
behind in them in any sort of cute way. Although, progress has been
made...
I can get them on..
I can button and zip them....

Just can't sit comfortably or wear anywhere other than the safety of
my bedroom. HA.

Songs I am listening to this week:

1. Chewing Gum (vocal mix)- Annie
(Don't know why- but loving this song)
2. Breathe - Telepopmusic -
(Makes me want to go for a car ride)
3. Only You - Joshua Radin
(Very mellow)
4. Whenever, Wherever- Shakira
(Very Sensual, makes me want to be young again)
5. Happy and Free - Vaughan Penn
(Just because I like the words)
6. These Words- Natasha Bedingfield
(Dance to this one with the kids- we jam with
our spatula microphones- great fun)
7. They-Jem
8. Vegas Baby-The Weepies
9. Counting to 100- Matt Wertz
10. Unraveling - Deb Talan (Anyone ever feel that way?)

Letting Her Go

"We find it when we settle deeply into the hidden, more loving
dimensions of any momment, allowing life to be what it wants
to be and letting ourselves be who we were created to be."

I so want to be the one I am meant to be. But I am afraid.
I am afraid that all that I have built up will come crashing
down. I am much more vulnerable than I appear. And
those that love me most- have looked to me for support.
I support thats what I do. But I have struggled in finding
those that will support me. I have a wonderful husband
who is encouraging me to follow my dreams. He's actually
excited. More excited than I am. He would like me to do it
today and I know that he will help me.

But... he's never had to pick up my pieces. In our almost 9
years of marriage- it just hasn't been necessary. But if I must
go deep to find my courage- that means I am going deep.
And there are lots of things deep within that I really do
not want to have resurface- some things that are at the core
of me. Pieces of me. Pieces of me that existed a long time ago.
A girl who existed a long time ago. I put her aside, away, battered
and bruised. Broken. Like the bird that hits the window and you find it
laying on the grass with it's wings extended in odd angles. The bird
that you put in a shoe box with some grass for comfort and place
it in a safe place so that neighborhood preditors cannot take
advantage of it's injury. Safe.....

I am not that girl... and yet I am. I will protect her always.
But to go deep and find my courage, means that at some level
inside me- I will have to face her. Face her and possibly let her
go. And I am afraid to let her go. Let her go. Can I exist without
her? Can I?























"Toward the end of his life, the literary giant George Bernard
Shaw was asked what person in history he would most
like to have been. His response was that he would most
like to have been the George Bernard Shaw he might
have been and never became."
Marianne Williamson, The Gift of Change

"Marcy, you made egg soup!"
(from "It's The Easter Beagel Charlie Brown")

We colored eggs this weekend. My daughter
treats them as though they are alive and
mini-pets. I am trying to convince her that
they love to live in cool dark places i.e the
fridge. However she insists that she should
be able to take them to bed with her at
night. So I have to do a bed check at
night just to make sure she didn't sneek
any away.

Well, I survived the first week of the 21 day
challenge. This week already seems harder and
it has just begun. My body feels beat up and
bruised. Walked in the rain yesturday. Even with
my rain jacket I ended up soaked. The rain
ran down my rain jacket onto my pants.

Watched Grey's Anatomy last night. George
used to be my favorite character- but he has
been so mopey. So he did the nasty with
Merideth. Merideth broke George. That's what
happens when you sleep with someone who
is broken first. And George knew that about
her. Had he been a good friend to her
he would have approached a relationship with
her in a different way- instead he took advantage
of her and jumped in the sack right away. He is
just as responsible.

That said. I am now a Merideth fan to the end.

Here is my journal page for day 7. I am a little behind
and will post the others when I have some time.