Numb...

I went through parts of yesturday a little numb.
Like a little explosion rocked the world.
They hung him. HUNG...
I know he was a bad man, a bad soul,
I know that he performed much worse
atrocities on his own people.
I know this.

And yet the swiftness of it all - caught me off guard.

I just wish that in our modern world- we could have found
better ways to deal with people like this.
It just seems in my mind and heart that we should have moved away from
this. Cause even though he is gone- our actions live with us. Our actions
come back to us. And this is a global event in so many ways.
As an American- how will I pay the price for this action.
Where is America's responsibility in this.
I want someone to tell me that good has come out of it. That
IRAQ has healed and is moving forward. But the reports of more
and more death is reported.

It all seems so barbaric, so mideveal, so biblical. The execution, the masses who
were to pay witness, the celebrations, the danger. We have come so far in our technology,
in our lifestyle, in our education, and our work. Yet we are the same. People are the same as they were 2000, 800, 500 years ago. There are many many ways in which we just have not evolved.

"The test of a government's commitment to human rights is measured by the way it treats its worst offenders. History will judge the deeply flawed Dujail trial and this execution harshly," said the watchdog's Richard Dicker.

I know he was an evil man. I know this, yet my heart feels heavy when I think about it.

Grateful Friday

• a long holiday weekend
• being able to link pictures in my sidebar
• this and this
• having fixed a meal that the whole family ate- without much complaint- PRICELESS BABY
• coffee with hazelnut creamer ( a new love)
• having scrapbooked 2 pages yesturday - haven't scrapped in months
• skipping a holiday party tonight - will not have a hang over in the morning
• Payday - need I say more
• finally buying new winter boots for the kids - we will eventually have snow this year
• Warm cuddle duds to keep me extra warm on this damp rainy December night
• finally being able to let my son use his target gift certificates from his birthday- and lots of good sales too - except for the things he bought.
• thankful for a generous child- my son gave $10 of his gift cert. to his sister so that she could buy something too. ( I must be doing something right ) And she did - on sale.
• thankful for cute mermaid costumes and the cute little girl who is parading around in it. Did I mention that she ate her supper without complaining?
• new soft hand towels from my brother and his wife for Christmas
• cute black patten leather shoes - my one year old is a shoe lover (gets it from her mom)
• thankful that we have wine in the fridge - I could have a glass if I wanted too
• thankful that I did all my grocery shopping for the week already.
• thankful for the good long book that I just finished reading. And the new one that I am going to find tomorrow
• grateful that in a few weeks I will start school, start a new chapter in my life, starting new goals and new purpose

I hope that you are able to find a few things in your life to be grateful for. It feels good to write them down, acknowledge the big and the small in our lives. It feels good to share with whoever is willing to listen.

Sunday Scribblings- Change

DETERMINATIONS......
Like most people, I am not very good at keeping
New Year's Resolutions. I am not even very good
at coming up with a list. Not that I think that there
aren't things I could, should, would change. But the
process itself brings fatigue to my mind. So I avoid
it all together.

2007 is going to be another big year of change for me.
As I said in an earlier post, I am going back to school.
School- finish that degree I started 20 years ago.
Earn that last couple of semesters worth of credits
to give myself a little elbow grease when I get back
into the workforce. But basically it is more for
self-satisfaction. See I quit in my senior year, with more
than 100 credits to my name and all my major requirements
completed. Boy if I could go back to my old self and
tell her how things could be, just to get through the
rough patch that she was in at the time. It was a rough
patch, the roughtest that I have ever experienced.
But in hind sight there were so many solutions.
Since I cannot go back in time- I am determined to
focus on the present and the future.

This year I am determined to:

1. Put 100% into all the activities that I commit myself to.
2. Focus on a healthy living environment for me and my family.
3. Continue to purge the excess. Unclutter our living spaces. (This of
course is much easier said than done!)
4. Let go of my need to have more.
5. Put my $$$ toward our debt. There is so much freedom in being debt free!
6. Laugh more.
7. Create more.
8. Enjoy my children more.
9. Love more.
10. Pray more.
11. Appreciate more.
12. Give more.
13. Write more.


Ok- so maybe it does resemble resolutions. But I call it Determinations.
I am determined.

Holiday Traditions

We have this holiday tradition we started a few years back.

Lobster Bisque

It all started one year when my husband had

a patient that owned a fish market store.

He told my husband about this wonderful Lobster Bisque, from Maine,

he gets in the store each year after Thanksgiving. So my husband

bought some. And of course we all loved it (especially my dad).

Now my husband's family is polish and serves up a

traditional meatless Christmas Eve Dinner, complete with fish soup

(this is nothing more than fish, potatoes and water).

So, Lobster Bisque was a wonderful step up from Fish Soup, yet

was still acceptable for tradional purposes.

Well the following year, my husband tried to buy some

more bisque, but his old patient retired from the business.

And darling husband did not try to order from anywhere else until

the week of Christmas. Of course no one had any, and to order from the

internet with such short notice would have cost a small fortune.

He was heartbroken.

So, being the incredible wife that I am, I suggested that we make it, How hard

could it be? Well I combined a few recipies from the internet, to suit

my own needs. (We do not live anywhere near the coast).

And the rest is history.

I finally wrote my recipie down, it really makes life

much easier since I only make it once a year.

Just wish I had taken a nice photo with

the bisque in a nice bowl with a little whipping

cream swirl and a garnish.

Next year, we are now all out of bisque.

Tag, I'm it

A - Available or single: Nope, blissfully married
B - Best friend: husband
C - Cake or pie: cake, yellow cake with chocolate buttercream frosting
D - Drink of choice: coffee with hazelnut creamer, diet Mt. Dew, Bloody Mary with tequilla
E - Essential item you use everyday: mascara
F - Favorite color: Orange and Green
G - Gummy bears or worms: YUCK, neither
H - Hometown: no town just a villiage. ha
I - Indulgence: Esspresso Almonds
J - January or February: February, closer to spring and all pink and red and white
K - Kids & names: Alex, Tessa, Cecilia
L - Life is incomplete without? Christ, my family, my computer, my squishy pillow
M - Marriage date: Oct 11
N - Number of siblings: 1, just a little brother
O - Oranges or apples: Cortland apples, preferably freshly picked.
P - Phobias or fears: snakes, taxes, large crowds
Q - Fave quote:
R - Reason to smile: Healthy children,
S - Season: Love them all, just not necessarily when they are happening.
T - Tag 3 or 4 people: hate tag, never was much fun
U - Unknown fact about me: I forget my age, usually think I am a year older than I really am
V- Vegetable you don't like: eggplant, I've tried, really I have, just can't learn to like them
W - Worst habit: procrastinate
X - Xrays: just dental
Y - Your fave food: scallops, chocolate, chips,
Z - Zodiac sign: Taurus, year of the rooster

Coming up for air

Where did the time go?

The holidays seem like one big blur right now.

And the new year, right around the corner.

New Year- I am always a little sad this time of year.

I hate letting the old year go.

I always wish for time to stand still a bit-

or at least slow down.

The girls have been adorable in the

fairy wings that Santa brought.

I have been watching the Seven Dancing Princesses, Star Wars, making

legos, playing with American Girl Dolls

and having a great time with my kids.

Love having the kids home- all of them.

Love not having to run around town to dance, piano, etc.

Like being able to stay in my jammies all morning.

Wish the sun would come out though.

December has been a very gloomy month.

Some things I have been praying for have

finally come to be. I applied to go back to

college. Very scary for me.

I hate rejection. I expect rejection. I fear failure.

Yet it is going to happen. In January, I start school again.

Be careful what you ask for. LOL

I am nervous, excited, amazed, and overjoyed.

God is great!

The Birthday stuff was fun and now I fall apart

I made some of these Oreo Cookie things. Saw them on this girlz blog. Forgot to put them in the fridge. Remeber to put them in the fridge. It is definately a step that makes the process easier and less messy. But they turned out none the less. I made them for my son's birthday party. Which, by the way, I am doing the happy dance now that it is over. OVER. Until next year. I do not think I can do another party with 12 boys. Maybe just a sleep over with a couple of friends. That's my plan now. But he flashes those baby blues and how can I deny him his hearts desire. lol. And what is a couple of hours anyway. Just a couple of hours that I feel like my head is going to explode from the anxiety of making sure all 12 boys go home in one piece. And that each of them had a fun time. Chocolate oreo cookies always make everything better.

Writing's on the Wall. I never heard this saying before and if I did it didn't mean much. But a few weeks ago I heard this expression 3x in less than 24 hours.

1. My husband was listening to an audiocast of a sermon from a church that he used to belong. He left the room but the sermon was still playing and I started listening to bits and pieces as I was I am sure attempting to clean something. Anyhow, the pastor was talking about the writing being on the wall and he gave a tremendous amount of examples regarding, heath, lifestyle, etc. All very simply put. It touched a cord. Not sure how or why so I put it away in my mind for reference.

2. That same night I was watching a TV show, ok I will admit it, Grey's Anatomy, and the song at the end of the show was Writings on the Wall. Ok I can take a hint. Nothing in life is truely coincidence.

3. Started reading and article in a magazine and again the topic.

So that leads me. What wall, what writing, what is the message I am supposed to be finding. Maybe in my heart I really know. But there are so many messages I should heed. So many we all should heed, from stopping global warming to decreasing the amount of saturated fat in our diets. How do I begin to prioritize this list of shoulds, how do I begin to heed the words I hear each day. How do I let go of my fear- and step out of my box and begin to take notice of not the words on the wall, but the small voice inside me that knows what I really need to do. How do I do it? I've held back for so long. I have avoided. I have suppresses. I have denied myself the happieness of the achievement in fear of the failure.

What if I fail? What will happen? Will I fall apart? What if I fail? I want to tell myself I must not fail. My husband tells me I won't fail. But it is a possiblility. Not everything is in my control. And there are monsters to face. My monsters. The ones I keep in my closet. The ones that keep me company when I am at my most alone. What if I succeed and have to let those monsters free? What am I without them? Can I exist without them?

I guess the Writing's on the Wall...

Sunday Scribblings-In the Last Hour...

In the last hour before...
I was numb. Drained. All that was me
ceased to exist. I did as I was told.
I followed those who lead. I became the
child once again and let my parents
show me the way. I let them save me,
I let them help me, I let them love
me the only way they knew how through
such circumstances. I let them pay, I let them
struggle, I let them question. I let them down.

In the last hour after...
I was relieved. I was alone, yet I was loved.
I was tierd, sick, sore, and broken, yet I was loved.
I was uncertain of what each hour would bring.
I was empty and yet full.
Once again I let my parents lead me. I let them love me.
I let them care for me. I let myself need them.
I let the ugly truths come out.
I let my crushed and bruised soul come home.
I was home.

A home that will always open it's doors for me.
A home that is bigger than all of us.
A home that led me to where I am today.

I am not the same as the one who lived those hours
and yet I am. I regret all her mistakes and yet they
led me to salvation. I can still shed a tear for her and
all she endured and yet I can raise her up and sing and dance
in celebration of her and all that she was. I understand
that she needed to survive, for me.

Oh Such a Grateful Friday

1. This boy. He has been my JOY for the past 8 years. Today was his special day. He has been planning, scheming, and anticipating this day for the past 365 days. He loves his birthday so much. At school mass yesturday they blessed the birthdays for the week. I cry each time. "May God bless and keep you, may God's way shine on you. May God be kind to you and give you peace." It is a very powerful prayer when all the children, teachers and parents are signing it as the birthday kids are standing on the alter together.

2. Lego Star Wars II. Oh I am so grateful for this game. This morning my son came to the side of my bed after checking out the presents I wrapped. Each birhtday I let him pick one to open before school. After opening the one he chose he came upstairs and declared "I got my hopes up for nothing. No Lego Star Wars." My response of course was that it was only 7am he had the whole day ahead of him. And yes he got it from his grandparents.

3. The beginning of advent season. I love advent. I love it more than Christmas. And I love that my kids go to a christian school and can celebrate it. Today my preschooler came home with her hand made advent wreath. And today I volunteered in my son's class to help them make their handmade advent wreaths. They are beautiful, all paper. I will take a picture when it comes home. Its a scrapbookers dream- elementary school style. Each week they will make a flame for one of the 4 candles. And not just any ol' flame. It is a bit 3D.

4. Grateful that my kids Christmas concert will be in the church. This has been a hot topic since last year. Someone must have complained that they did not think the school should be using the church and alter in such a way. You know little kids singing their heart out in praise of God. Must not be allowed in a church. So our spring concert had to be in the gym. A gym without any acoustic panels. Awful. But Christmas concerts just shouldn't be that way. So we convinced the principal to try just a little harder to get Christmas in church. Spring concert can be anywhere else, but Christmas belongs in the church. Amen!

5. Very Very grateful that I got around town without any accidents. We were not supposed to get snow. Just light flurry- dusting. But we got enough to ice the roads. And I was supposed to turn left to get to the grocery store at a semi-major intersection and my car would only turn, skid to the right. So to the right I went. And the road was so icy I was not about to turn around. So I took the long loop back and stopped by a different grocery store that was in that direction. But we were all safe. My sister in law- however was not so lucky. Her car was towed after someone smacked into her while she was stopped. But still grateful she was not hurt. Made sure she has a couple glasses of wine tonight!

6. Grateful that I found the recipies from a cooking class that I took 10 years ago. Gourmet recipies, pasta recipies, dessert recipies. Even if I don't make them (although I do plan to try) they bring back some great memories.

7. Grateful that I had time to do everything I needed to do today and enjoyed myself every step of the way!

8. Grateful that I can get my hair in a ponytail again.

9. Grateful that I finally found my missing slipper. Could only find one. Yeh they are a little bit used up, with a very well disguised hole and all, but they are prefectly broken in, wonderfully warm and orange boiled wool. Wearing them right now and probobly everytime I post on this blog this winter.

10. Grateful that we are putting up our tree this year. Probobly going to put up the artificial one this year ( I prefer cutting down our own from the tree farm, but there just isn't a good time to do it this year). And especially grateful that my husband is planning to assemble it (this has been my job each year we use it). I am hoping he does the lights as well, since I am more than willing to let that job go to.

(digital kit by Holly McCaig, Plain Digital Wrapper)