Embrace

I had a dream last night.

It took me a while today

to remember it.

And once I did,

I was able to literally

embrace

the beauty of it.

It was a gift.

To me.

I dreamt that I saw my

old best friend.

Ran into her while

running typical errands.

She saw me,

tried to look for a way out.

But resigned herself to my

presence.

I felt much the same way,

but then was just overcome with

grace.

I just calmly

went to her

and put my arms

around her.

I placed my cheek

against her neck

and gently held her.

And then I woke up.

As I said

A gift.

Because all of my dreams in

the past,

since our friendship so mysteriously

ended, were all about me

screaming at her

uncontrollable,

with spit flying

from my mouth,

and my body and heart

just shaking in grief and anger.

This dream was

all

peace

and

love

and

maybe,

just maybe

forgiveness?

Thank you, Lord,

I do appreciate it.

Its in the genes

I have enjoyed watching the new show October Road.
It's a bit predictable.
I like that sometimes.
One character has been considered a bit of a farce,
you know the SHUT-IN guy.
I mean who really would stay in there house
since 9/11? Never venturing out.
Relying on friends.

The thing is...
I get him.
Totally.
I could be him.
Really.
I would love to keep myself and my children
in our warm loving home 24/7.
I would love to keep them safe
from terrorism and school shootings.
I would like to limit the possibilities of
car accidents and child abductors.

I could completly hole up here.
Homeschool them until they are 30.
Ok maybe 40.

It actually runs in the family.
Its in the blood.
I have an Uncle and a great Uncle
who pretty much have done that to themselves.
As they got older, they just could not
bring themselves to leave their home.
These are not stupid men,
my uncle is a lawyer and a judge.
My great uncle is a journalist.
I am not sure what happened
(or didn't happen in their lives)
that led to this.

I know that what I feel inside is both
normal and irrational.
The VT shootings have surfaced some
of these again.
Next semester I will have 2 courses on
campus. And right now that scares me.
I know the odds. They are definately in my
favor. I also know that once this is out of the
media I will feel better.

Now that I have shared that
very freaky, dark twisty side of me,
let me assure you that I do not think
that I would actually shut myself in.
I know that the love I have for my
children is too great to deprive them from
all this world has to offer.
I know that it would be a greater tragedy
to create a false world for us and that my
children would probobly resent me if I did.

It's just sometimes the evil in this world
is too big for my brain to wrap around.
I cling to my faith.

Sunday Scribblings- Deepest, Darkest

I didn't go to church today.

It's holy week.

I never make it to church during holy week.

But I have a second grader.

A second grader who makes his first

communion in 2 weeks.

A second grader who deeply believes.

So I feel as though I should be going for him.

I send him to a catholic grade school.

Want him to have the background, the teachings, the celebrations.

It has been good for him. It has been good for our family.

Sometimes they teach him things that I do not understand, or agree with.

Such as they cannot say the A-word.

A-word, what the H-E-L-L is that.

You know Alleluia.

Cannot say that word during lent.

So now it has become a bit of a thrill to say A-word.

I really do not get it.

Making a word that should have such a beautiful meaning into a "dirty" thing to say.

So I tried to explain to him that his mom and dad really do not believe that you cannot say that word during lent. That we think it is a beautiful word that can be said whenever someone feels the need to praise God.

But he won't budge.

He has many arguments as to why I am a bad for saying Alleluia during lent.

(Not all his arguments make sense. But he's trying his best to convince me to believe his way). So I guess I asked for it- you know sending him to a parochial school and all.

I surrender for now.

But getting back to missing mass on palm Sunday.

I do not like lent- I know I am not really supposed to "like" lent.

But I have a hard time with the darkness

that is infused into the lively traditions that endear me to church.

I do not like that we do not sing.

I do not like that the beautiful stained glass windows that allow beautiful morning sunshine into the church are covered.

I do not like that the crosses are put away until Easter Sunday.

I do not like it.

Maybe it is easier for me to forget the pain and suffering that Jesus went through.

Maybe it is easier for me to walk away from the gruesome truth of history.

I have felt the love of Jesus. I have felt his hands upon me.

I have felt his unconditional love. And I have felt his forgiveness.

And in my deepest darkest times of pain and loneliness I have surrendered to him, knowing that the pain I felt could not even begin to compare to what he went through on the cross.

And during those time, he eased my pain. He answered my prayers. He gave me his love.

Lent confuses me. This is the time that we actually should be soaking in the light, studying the scriptures and praising all that he is and all that we will be.

We cannot re-create those deepest, darkest days of history.

Self reflection does not need to be created for spiritual growth.

I lived my deep dark days. I denied myself joy and beauty and love.

I experienced that.

He saved me.

And I refuse to re-enter the darkness, even for well meant church rituals.

So I will quietly sing my Alleluia's

(because I love my son enough to not cause him anymore distress

over his mothers hopeless beliefs)

Alleluia