This was my grandmothers first lamp- when she was married. It has lasted all these years. When I moved into my first apartment- she gave me this lamp along with a set of pink and white china dishes (to match my pink kitchen). This lamp has been sitting faithfully by my bedside ever since.



















A little bowl of sea shells collected in Florida a few years ago. Just makes me happy to look at them.
This is a window from the basement of the first house we owned. Painted our monagram on it and now it sits on our fireplace mantel.

This was my grandfathers old typerwriter. As a kid I used to sit in his office and pound away. Now it sits above my tv holding up some of my favorite books including my collection of Elizabeth Goudge books and an origional print copy of Love Story and To Kill a Mockingbird that used to belong to my grandmother.

An old window- above my bed. Working on finding other stuff to hang by it. Looking for an old headboard too.
My grandmother made this when she was a young girl. She entered it in a contest. I just love the colors.
















Northern Girl prints. Have lots of these since my grandfather worked for them.

meme

Two names you go by:
Sam
Dribbles

Two parts of your heritage:
German
Irish

Two things that scare you:
Snakes
George Bush's politics (I like his wife though-)

Two everyday essentials:
mascara
caffine

Two things you are wearing right now:
flannel jammies
long johns - very cold here right now

Two of your favourite current bands/artists:
Kate Havnevik
Gwen Stefani

Two things you want in a relationship (other than love):
friendship
laughter
sex?!*$

Two truths:
I was born in Germany-
I once modeled for a life drawing class during a semester in college

Two favorite hobbies:
photography
reading

Two things you have to do this week:
call for thrift shop pick up
piano lessons with my son

Two stores you shop at:
I hate to shop
Target
Garnet Hill


Two shows you like to watch:
Grey's anatomy
PBS stuff

Two things you'd buy if money were no object:
Right now I need a new washing machine- mine sounds like a jet taking off.
A matching dryer- all front load please, with pedastals

Two wishes for 2007:
world peace
clean political campaigns

Grateful Friday

Oh isn't Friday perfectly lovely- I've been waiting for it all week!
This is a picture of Buzz Buzz III (Buzz Lightyear). He's our 3rd Buzz Buzz. Found these pictures laying around my hard drive and decided to put them on a page. Not very inspiring, scrapping a hamster. But my son was happy to see this. He's very sentimental. Oh, the day we had to bury the first Buzz Buzz was so sad. My heart broke for him. He was 4 and he was so brave. Had to look at buzz one last time (darn hamster died in may hand you know). My dad buried him in the back yard next to Gilda (the wonderdog) under the lilies. I am sure Gilda welcomes the company. No 2 buried there as well.

He is getting used to owning small pets. Already talks about the next buzz buzz. He would really prefer a gecko next time. And as much as I like amphibians, I just really prefer warm blooded animals with fur. Maybe tomorrow I will show you a picture of George- our frog.

1. Thankful for the letter I received in the mail yesturday- a love letter....from my husband.
2. Chocolate and hazelnut creamer. They are my comfort food right now.
3. Some wonderfully nice e-mails I received this week.
4. Thankful that my mom bought my girl some new jeans this week. 5 pair. It was so nice as she was outgrowing her old ones and a few are very close to having holes in the knees. Five is a bit excessive- but they were majorly on sale and now I do not have to stress over having the laundry done just so my girl has pants to wear to preschool. Thanks mom!
5. Getting through all my meetings this week.
6. Grateful that tomorrow is Saturday! I can take a Tylenol PM tonight and sleep soundly until whatever time I decide to roll out of bed. No school, no work, hubby home. He's an early riser so he doesn't mind that I like to sleep in on the weekends. (Is 8:00 considered sleeping in?) At least I don't think he minds- he hasn't complained the past 9 years.
7. Grateful that I have enough money to pay all my bills this month. Had some big ones. God is Great!!!
8. So loved Grey's. So glad that they ran a new one. So glad that on the blog that they said they were not running re-runs for a while. So glad to look up the songs on I-tunes. I need some new ones. Anyone have suggestions for some new songs. What are you listening to right now?
9. Grateful that the weather has been warmer than normal. But a little sad that that is coming to an end this weekend. I suppose it is mid-January.
10. Glad my PMS is gone.
11. So happy to be reading a book I really enjoy. Not a masterpiece. First time writer. Learned lots of stuff that you should not do when writing a novel. However, I am enjoying her work. It's regional fiction whick makes it kinda fun to read.
12. McDonalds- so happy not to have to cook. And why do there fries have to taste so good when they are sooooooo bad for you?
13. Pink cashmere
14. Orange wool slippers
15. Flannel jammy bottoms

Poetry Thursday- cliches

You know the old saying about stones and glass houses.

Well this is my favorite take on it.

The Woman in the Glass House Speaks

by Martha Mihalyi

I know everything around me

can shatter in a high wind,

at the kiss of stone or

the highest note. What is

important here is to walk

gracefully, the imagined book

balanced on the head and

no hand, no heart, no thought

to swerve for. What is important

is to see through each wall

another wall after and then another

until I am outside myself like a bird

resting on a high glass sill-

who must know it is only air beneath:

the blur of blue and green

to fly or fall through,

weightless and singing.

Boppy?!*

This how our boppy pillow is used now days.

It is Lucy's favorite place to nap.

• She still thinks she is the baby of the family.
• She's 10.
• She snores - mentioned in previous post.
• She's part Border Collie- so she is always trying to heard us together.
• She's part Beagle- so she barks.
• She's the best guard dog- won't let strangers near us.
• Won't let the neighbors near us.
• Won't let some family members near us.
• She is just like Nana in Peter Pan. Trying to take care of the kids.
• She thinks she is my husbands wife.
• She placed her self in the ranks above me until I had children. Now she thinks I am important too.
• She comes to find me as the kids wake up in the morning. ONe by one.
• She will not "officially" come downstairs until everyone has gotten up in the morning. (I say official because she goes back upstairs to wait only after eating her breakfast and going outside.
• She is in terrible need of a haircut and shampoo- she hates this.
• She loves snow.

My Dog snores... and other random bits

1. Ali challeged everyone to choose a word to define

their goals/expectations/etc. for 2007.

And here is mine.

Forward.

Forward motion the whole way...

in every way.

Nothing but forward.

No looking back, no backtracking,

no backward thinking.

Every problem has a solution!

So I bought a day planner from See Jane Work.

Love it-

embellished it a bit and added tabs for the months.

Now I will remember my motto the entire year!

2. My dog snores,

my husband snores,

my 8 year old snores

and sometimes my baby snores.

But my dog is by far the worst.

And she insists on sleeping in my room

by my side of the bed.

It wouldn't be so bad, except lately

she is so loud - she wakes me up.

It sounds as if a 250 pound linebacker is sleeping on my floor.

Seriosly!

3. I spend too much time blogging and I really don't care.

4. I start school in a couple of weeks and I am scared silly.

5. I meet with my advisor on Friday.

He is younger than me and he is a professor.

Somehow that seems wierd.

Like having a dr. who is younger than you.

6. I can't wait for the last Harry Potter book to come out.

And since I work for a Children's book store - I will be partying

that night as we stay open late for the release. Can't wait.

Already planning my costume.

7. Going to Florida in March - must loose the last 10 pounds of

baby weight- MUST.

8. PMS- sucks!

9. I find that during my daily prayer time- I remember to say prayers for so

many people out there in blogland that I do not even know.

10.I hate paying property taxes.

11. My house is a mess- it seems like it is always a mess. I cannot find a

place for all the new Christmas toys. I dread going in the basement. The playroom

is totally trashed. And the cat threw up.

I need to bissel it ASAP.

But I am simply dreading it.

12. Cleaned the hamster cage

and the cat's liter box.

I am done for the day.

Everything else will have to wait

until tomorrow.

13. Thirteen is my lucky number. And orange is my favorite color.

14. My cat is 17 years old and is dying.

He just doesn't want to eat and when he does

he throws most of it up.

This is hard for me.

I have had that cat since college.

Named himafter my favorite author.

I've had him longer than I have had my husband or my kids.

15. Been listening to a little Kate Bush.

Wow does thattransport me back in time.

Maybe I should put in a little pyschadelic furs in too.

I'm feeling some Berlin too.

(I just need a blue rat tail and some red chuckies)!

Sunday Scribbling- Kissing

Giving up my past, Vol. I, Chapter 2

Kissing you Good-bye

You have long since moved from my heart.

(My heart barely remembers you..)

However, you are still at times

painfully in my head. Oh, don't flatter

yourself, it is not actually you in my head,

you physcially, again, my head barely remembers

what you looked like.

But memories of you and things you did and said to me.

Cruel things.

Very Cruel things.

I have not completely let them go.

I am still surprised

that they actually happened - to me.

When I remember them,

it is as though I am watching

a television program.

Watching from the outside,

someoneelse's experiences.

Watching.

I would like to tell her all that I know now.

(That you really never loved her)

I would like to tell her how to let you go.

(That even though I loved you- this is not how love should be).

I would like to help her move on.

(That she will find someone better.)

I would like to tell her she is worthy and special and loved

and yes- does deserve better.

(That you tell her all those bad things about her, so that you feel better

about yourself)

I would like to tell her that it is not she who needs to change, she is wonderful

just the way she is.

(That it is YOU who needs to change and grow).

I know that it would not matter if I told her these things.

She would not listen anyway.

She needed to find out for herself.

I am kissing you good-bye today- for good.

That part of you that remains in my head.

That on my bad days

(and even on some of my good,

when I do not feel worthy of my abundance)

your voice hammers in my head

telling me that I am nothing,

that I suck,

that I am not loved,

that I need to change,

that I am not pretty

or sexy

or smart.

On those

days that you tell me that I am not worthy

of anyone's love,

(in the past you added especially yours)

- that I do not deserve

all that I do have

and that I will never

amount to anything.

There were times that I lived up

to those expectations. And fortunately

there are many more

that I knew better.

I am kissing you good-bye today.

That part of you that was physically cruel to me.

The part that I still try to deny in my head.

Those subtle touches

that left bruises on the outside

and scars on the inside.

(You didn't think I would notice that it was purposeful.)

And those times when you wanted me

to know that you purposely

left a trace.

Those times when you needed

to show me your superiority,

your dominance,

your power,

your will.

It was so long ago.

My life is so full of love,

and purpose,

and peace,

and grace.

My life is shared with an amazingly loving husband,

who tells me I am smart,

who tells me he desires me,

who tells me he would die for me,

who has encouraged me to follow my heart and my dreams.

My life is filled with

children's laughter,

tears,

words,

stories,

music,

dance,

kisses

and hugs.

My house is warm and filled with pieces of me.

So today I am kissing the last piece of you good-bye.

The memory of me when I was with you.

I am whole,

I am good,

I am deserving,

I am smart,

I am creative,

I am pretty,

I am sexy,

I am beautiful,

I am funny,

I am forgiven,

I am special,

I have God's grace,

I am and forever will be me...

Forward

Special Helper Friday

Today I was special helper at preschool-

or more correctly-

I was the special helper's assistant

The best part of being special helper

is that we always bake a treat!

It's our little thing.

and notice the other thing in the

picture- (not the muffins)

that was my Christmas present

from my parents.

Always wanted one-

just not that badly.

I really didn't need to use

the mixer to make muffins-

but since it was there,

We made them

Martha style!

So my house smells

of baking

bannana muffins

and warm coffee.

Now if we only had some snow.

Packed Away...

So the Christmas decorations

are all packed away.

Feels good.

Each year I tell myself

that we really

should celebrate

the 12 days of Christmas

and keep

everything up until January 6th.

But I just can't do it.

Celebrating advent takes

everything out of me.

Maybe when the kids are older

I'll switch things up

a bit.

Hey Cathy Z is back.................

I have missed her wit.

Happy New Year Cathy!!!!!

It was hard getting back

in the swing of things this week.

Hard going to work.

Hard getting the kids off to school.

Hard getting everybody to bed on time.

Hard making sure school uniforms were washed

....and dried.

Just plain hard getting back to living on a schedule.

....a school schedule at that.

Alex has declared he hates school

(really don't believe him

its just his attempt at drama-

after all he does have 2 younger

sisters.)

So I told him he would not have to go-

that I could home school him.

Of course he had no idea what that was- so

I explained it to him.

And not another comment came out of his

mouth.

End of subject I guess.

Can't imagine what I would have done

if he would have wanted

that option. I just not sure

I can handle being solely responsible

for my kids education on top of everything else.

I know that

HOme schooling mom's rock.

I just know that

I am probobly not

one of them.

Getting anxious about starting

back at school.

Especially since

I am not

signed up for classes- YET.

They do not have my

transcripts verified. So I

do not know

what I need to take.

And I refuse to give

them my money

on a class that I do not

need. So they better hurry up

because the semester starts soon!!!!!!!!!!

NOw I know why I

always hated the

politics of higher education.

They are just like any other

business!

Sunday Scribblings- Destination

Giving up my past, vol I, chapter 1

When I was younger I was convinced that I was destined

to do great things. Small but great. I had big dreams of

joining the Peace Corp. and traveling to Africa to do good

things. I even completed the application.

Funny thing- since I began this post, having saved it as a

draft, I went over to my parent's house for a New Year's

meal (shrimp creole-yum). My dad was in cleaning mode-

really mom was and was making him clean out his office.

I had an old file cabinet in there chucked full and he

convinced me it was time to go through it. And lo and behold

what did I find but all my old college stuff and my application

packet to the Peace Corp. It just seemed to funny at the time.

And a sign that it is just time to let it all go. Let the past slip

away.

I bought a new set of cards by Dr. Wayne Dyer, 10 Secrets for Success

and Inner Peace. I have been using this set. And it was time for

something new. I pick a new card, randomly, about once a week

or whenever the mood strikes me. I hang them on my dry erase

board on my refridgerator. Right next to the hot lunch schedule

for my kid's school. Can't miss it. Some stay there a little while

and others need more time to sink in. They are wonderful little

words, phrases, and choices to help implement change, understanding

and peace.

So this is the first card that I picked from the deck.

"Give up your personal history...

Know that your past is over!

By referring to previous struggles and using them

as reasons for not getting on with your life today.

You're assigning responsibility to the past for

why you can't be successful or happy in the

present."-

Wow, that hit home a little bit and was very timely.

I definately have not let the past interfere with moving

forward with my life. I have overcome so much and

have a beautiful life and a beautiful family.

But I do use the word overcome and obstacles and whatnot.

It's time to let that go. I am done overcoming my past.

It is the past and the present and future have so much

in store for me.

So back to my dad's winter cleaning. See how this is coming

full circle. Anyway all my old college notes, binders, some

textbooks, poetry, newpaperclipings, letters, etc. were tucked away

in there. And I purged. I got rid of it all, except a very small pile of

old stories and poems that I wrote (not very good stuff mind you). But I want

to sit down alone someday with a cup of coffee (or perhaps a glass of wine) as read

those words that at one time came from my mind and another time. And then

let them slip away as well. I also kept a lovely old picture of Katherine Hepburn when

she was so young and stylish. I will put that somewhere.

So I purged some hard work of the past, and some not so hard work. My dad

being the pack rat that he is made sure that I gave him the emply binders and

binder clips. It felt great to put it all at the curb.

A fresh start. A fresh destination. Another circle that is forming.

A beginning to an end.

And finally an end to a beginning!

Numb...

I went through parts of yesturday a little numb.
Like a little explosion rocked the world.
They hung him. HUNG...
I know he was a bad man, a bad soul,
I know that he performed much worse
atrocities on his own people.
I know this.

And yet the swiftness of it all - caught me off guard.

I just wish that in our modern world- we could have found
better ways to deal with people like this.
It just seems in my mind and heart that we should have moved away from
this. Cause even though he is gone- our actions live with us. Our actions
come back to us. And this is a global event in so many ways.
As an American- how will I pay the price for this action.
Where is America's responsibility in this.
I want someone to tell me that good has come out of it. That
IRAQ has healed and is moving forward. But the reports of more
and more death is reported.

It all seems so barbaric, so mideveal, so biblical. The execution, the masses who
were to pay witness, the celebrations, the danger. We have come so far in our technology,
in our lifestyle, in our education, and our work. Yet we are the same. People are the same as they were 2000, 800, 500 years ago. There are many many ways in which we just have not evolved.

"The test of a government's commitment to human rights is measured by the way it treats its worst offenders. History will judge the deeply flawed Dujail trial and this execution harshly," said the watchdog's Richard Dicker.

I know he was an evil man. I know this, yet my heart feels heavy when I think about it.

Grateful Friday

• a long holiday weekend
• being able to link pictures in my sidebar
• this and this
• having fixed a meal that the whole family ate- without much complaint- PRICELESS BABY
• coffee with hazelnut creamer ( a new love)
• having scrapbooked 2 pages yesturday - haven't scrapped in months
• skipping a holiday party tonight - will not have a hang over in the morning
• Payday - need I say more
• finally buying new winter boots for the kids - we will eventually have snow this year
• Warm cuddle duds to keep me extra warm on this damp rainy December night
• finally being able to let my son use his target gift certificates from his birthday- and lots of good sales too - except for the things he bought.
• thankful for a generous child- my son gave $10 of his gift cert. to his sister so that she could buy something too. ( I must be doing something right ) And she did - on sale.
• thankful for cute mermaid costumes and the cute little girl who is parading around in it. Did I mention that she ate her supper without complaining?
• new soft hand towels from my brother and his wife for Christmas
• cute black patten leather shoes - my one year old is a shoe lover (gets it from her mom)
• thankful that we have wine in the fridge - I could have a glass if I wanted too
• thankful that I did all my grocery shopping for the week already.
• thankful for the good long book that I just finished reading. And the new one that I am going to find tomorrow
• grateful that in a few weeks I will start school, start a new chapter in my life, starting new goals and new purpose

I hope that you are able to find a few things in your life to be grateful for. It feels good to write them down, acknowledge the big and the small in our lives. It feels good to share with whoever is willing to listen.

Sunday Scribblings- Change

DETERMINATIONS......
Like most people, I am not very good at keeping
New Year's Resolutions. I am not even very good
at coming up with a list. Not that I think that there
aren't things I could, should, would change. But the
process itself brings fatigue to my mind. So I avoid
it all together.

2007 is going to be another big year of change for me.
As I said in an earlier post, I am going back to school.
School- finish that degree I started 20 years ago.
Earn that last couple of semesters worth of credits
to give myself a little elbow grease when I get back
into the workforce. But basically it is more for
self-satisfaction. See I quit in my senior year, with more
than 100 credits to my name and all my major requirements
completed. Boy if I could go back to my old self and
tell her how things could be, just to get through the
rough patch that she was in at the time. It was a rough
patch, the roughtest that I have ever experienced.
But in hind sight there were so many solutions.
Since I cannot go back in time- I am determined to
focus on the present and the future.

This year I am determined to:

1. Put 100% into all the activities that I commit myself to.
2. Focus on a healthy living environment for me and my family.
3. Continue to purge the excess. Unclutter our living spaces. (This of
course is much easier said than done!)
4. Let go of my need to have more.
5. Put my $$$ toward our debt. There is so much freedom in being debt free!
6. Laugh more.
7. Create more.
8. Enjoy my children more.
9. Love more.
10. Pray more.
11. Appreciate more.
12. Give more.
13. Write more.


Ok- so maybe it does resemble resolutions. But I call it Determinations.
I am determined.

Holiday Traditions

We have this holiday tradition we started a few years back.

Lobster Bisque

It all started one year when my husband had

a patient that owned a fish market store.

He told my husband about this wonderful Lobster Bisque, from Maine,

he gets in the store each year after Thanksgiving. So my husband

bought some. And of course we all loved it (especially my dad).

Now my husband's family is polish and serves up a

traditional meatless Christmas Eve Dinner, complete with fish soup

(this is nothing more than fish, potatoes and water).

So, Lobster Bisque was a wonderful step up from Fish Soup, yet

was still acceptable for tradional purposes.

Well the following year, my husband tried to buy some

more bisque, but his old patient retired from the business.

And darling husband did not try to order from anywhere else until

the week of Christmas. Of course no one had any, and to order from the

internet with such short notice would have cost a small fortune.

He was heartbroken.

So, being the incredible wife that I am, I suggested that we make it, How hard

could it be? Well I combined a few recipies from the internet, to suit

my own needs. (We do not live anywhere near the coast).

And the rest is history.

I finally wrote my recipie down, it really makes life

much easier since I only make it once a year.

Just wish I had taken a nice photo with

the bisque in a nice bowl with a little whipping

cream swirl and a garnish.

Next year, we are now all out of bisque.

Tag, I'm it

A - Available or single: Nope, blissfully married
B - Best friend: husband
C - Cake or pie: cake, yellow cake with chocolate buttercream frosting
D - Drink of choice: coffee with hazelnut creamer, diet Mt. Dew, Bloody Mary with tequilla
E - Essential item you use everyday: mascara
F - Favorite color: Orange and Green
G - Gummy bears or worms: YUCK, neither
H - Hometown: no town just a villiage. ha
I - Indulgence: Esspresso Almonds
J - January or February: February, closer to spring and all pink and red and white
K - Kids & names: Alex, Tessa, Cecilia
L - Life is incomplete without? Christ, my family, my computer, my squishy pillow
M - Marriage date: Oct 11
N - Number of siblings: 1, just a little brother
O - Oranges or apples: Cortland apples, preferably freshly picked.
P - Phobias or fears: snakes, taxes, large crowds
Q - Fave quote:
R - Reason to smile: Healthy children,
S - Season: Love them all, just not necessarily when they are happening.
T - Tag 3 or 4 people: hate tag, never was much fun
U - Unknown fact about me: I forget my age, usually think I am a year older than I really am
V- Vegetable you don't like: eggplant, I've tried, really I have, just can't learn to like them
W - Worst habit: procrastinate
X - Xrays: just dental
Y - Your fave food: scallops, chocolate, chips,
Z - Zodiac sign: Taurus, year of the rooster

Coming up for air

Where did the time go?

The holidays seem like one big blur right now.

And the new year, right around the corner.

New Year- I am always a little sad this time of year.

I hate letting the old year go.

I always wish for time to stand still a bit-

or at least slow down.

The girls have been adorable in the

fairy wings that Santa brought.

I have been watching the Seven Dancing Princesses, Star Wars, making

legos, playing with American Girl Dolls

and having a great time with my kids.

Love having the kids home- all of them.

Love not having to run around town to dance, piano, etc.

Like being able to stay in my jammies all morning.

Wish the sun would come out though.

December has been a very gloomy month.

Some things I have been praying for have

finally come to be. I applied to go back to

college. Very scary for me.

I hate rejection. I expect rejection. I fear failure.

Yet it is going to happen. In January, I start school again.

Be careful what you ask for. LOL

I am nervous, excited, amazed, and overjoyed.

God is great!

The Birthday stuff was fun and now I fall apart

I made some of these Oreo Cookie things. Saw them on this girlz blog. Forgot to put them in the fridge. Remeber to put them in the fridge. It is definately a step that makes the process easier and less messy. But they turned out none the less. I made them for my son's birthday party. Which, by the way, I am doing the happy dance now that it is over. OVER. Until next year. I do not think I can do another party with 12 boys. Maybe just a sleep over with a couple of friends. That's my plan now. But he flashes those baby blues and how can I deny him his hearts desire. lol. And what is a couple of hours anyway. Just a couple of hours that I feel like my head is going to explode from the anxiety of making sure all 12 boys go home in one piece. And that each of them had a fun time. Chocolate oreo cookies always make everything better.

Writing's on the Wall. I never heard this saying before and if I did it didn't mean much. But a few weeks ago I heard this expression 3x in less than 24 hours.

1. My husband was listening to an audiocast of a sermon from a church that he used to belong. He left the room but the sermon was still playing and I started listening to bits and pieces as I was I am sure attempting to clean something. Anyhow, the pastor was talking about the writing being on the wall and he gave a tremendous amount of examples regarding, heath, lifestyle, etc. All very simply put. It touched a cord. Not sure how or why so I put it away in my mind for reference.

2. That same night I was watching a TV show, ok I will admit it, Grey's Anatomy, and the song at the end of the show was Writings on the Wall. Ok I can take a hint. Nothing in life is truely coincidence.

3. Started reading and article in a magazine and again the topic.

So that leads me. What wall, what writing, what is the message I am supposed to be finding. Maybe in my heart I really know. But there are so many messages I should heed. So many we all should heed, from stopping global warming to decreasing the amount of saturated fat in our diets. How do I begin to prioritize this list of shoulds, how do I begin to heed the words I hear each day. How do I let go of my fear- and step out of my box and begin to take notice of not the words on the wall, but the small voice inside me that knows what I really need to do. How do I do it? I've held back for so long. I have avoided. I have suppresses. I have denied myself the happieness of the achievement in fear of the failure.

What if I fail? What will happen? Will I fall apart? What if I fail? I want to tell myself I must not fail. My husband tells me I won't fail. But it is a possiblility. Not everything is in my control. And there are monsters to face. My monsters. The ones I keep in my closet. The ones that keep me company when I am at my most alone. What if I succeed and have to let those monsters free? What am I without them? Can I exist without them?

I guess the Writing's on the Wall...

Sunday Scribblings-In the Last Hour...

In the last hour before...
I was numb. Drained. All that was me
ceased to exist. I did as I was told.
I followed those who lead. I became the
child once again and let my parents
show me the way. I let them save me,
I let them help me, I let them love
me the only way they knew how through
such circumstances. I let them pay, I let them
struggle, I let them question. I let them down.

In the last hour after...
I was relieved. I was alone, yet I was loved.
I was tierd, sick, sore, and broken, yet I was loved.
I was uncertain of what each hour would bring.
I was empty and yet full.
Once again I let my parents lead me. I let them love me.
I let them care for me. I let myself need them.
I let the ugly truths come out.
I let my crushed and bruised soul come home.
I was home.

A home that will always open it's doors for me.
A home that is bigger than all of us.
A home that led me to where I am today.

I am not the same as the one who lived those hours
and yet I am. I regret all her mistakes and yet they
led me to salvation. I can still shed a tear for her and
all she endured and yet I can raise her up and sing and dance
in celebration of her and all that she was. I understand
that she needed to survive, for me.

Oh Such a Grateful Friday

1. This boy. He has been my JOY for the past 8 years. Today was his special day. He has been planning, scheming, and anticipating this day for the past 365 days. He loves his birthday so much. At school mass yesturday they blessed the birthdays for the week. I cry each time. "May God bless and keep you, may God's way shine on you. May God be kind to you and give you peace." It is a very powerful prayer when all the children, teachers and parents are signing it as the birthday kids are standing on the alter together.

2. Lego Star Wars II. Oh I am so grateful for this game. This morning my son came to the side of my bed after checking out the presents I wrapped. Each birhtday I let him pick one to open before school. After opening the one he chose he came upstairs and declared "I got my hopes up for nothing. No Lego Star Wars." My response of course was that it was only 7am he had the whole day ahead of him. And yes he got it from his grandparents.

3. The beginning of advent season. I love advent. I love it more than Christmas. And I love that my kids go to a christian school and can celebrate it. Today my preschooler came home with her hand made advent wreath. And today I volunteered in my son's class to help them make their handmade advent wreaths. They are beautiful, all paper. I will take a picture when it comes home. Its a scrapbookers dream- elementary school style. Each week they will make a flame for one of the 4 candles. And not just any ol' flame. It is a bit 3D.

4. Grateful that my kids Christmas concert will be in the church. This has been a hot topic since last year. Someone must have complained that they did not think the school should be using the church and alter in such a way. You know little kids singing their heart out in praise of God. Must not be allowed in a church. So our spring concert had to be in the gym. A gym without any acoustic panels. Awful. But Christmas concerts just shouldn't be that way. So we convinced the principal to try just a little harder to get Christmas in church. Spring concert can be anywhere else, but Christmas belongs in the church. Amen!

5. Very Very grateful that I got around town without any accidents. We were not supposed to get snow. Just light flurry- dusting. But we got enough to ice the roads. And I was supposed to turn left to get to the grocery store at a semi-major intersection and my car would only turn, skid to the right. So to the right I went. And the road was so icy I was not about to turn around. So I took the long loop back and stopped by a different grocery store that was in that direction. But we were all safe. My sister in law- however was not so lucky. Her car was towed after someone smacked into her while she was stopped. But still grateful she was not hurt. Made sure she has a couple glasses of wine tonight!

6. Grateful that I found the recipies from a cooking class that I took 10 years ago. Gourmet recipies, pasta recipies, dessert recipies. Even if I don't make them (although I do plan to try) they bring back some great memories.

7. Grateful that I had time to do everything I needed to do today and enjoyed myself every step of the way!

8. Grateful that I can get my hair in a ponytail again.

9. Grateful that I finally found my missing slipper. Could only find one. Yeh they are a little bit used up, with a very well disguised hole and all, but they are prefectly broken in, wonderfully warm and orange boiled wool. Wearing them right now and probobly everytime I post on this blog this winter.

10. Grateful that we are putting up our tree this year. Probobly going to put up the artificial one this year ( I prefer cutting down our own from the tree farm, but there just isn't a good time to do it this year). And especially grateful that my husband is planning to assemble it (this has been my job each year we use it). I am hoping he does the lights as well, since I am more than willing to let that job go to.

(digital kit by Holly McCaig, Plain Digital Wrapper)

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas around here. I think that this is going to be our Christmas card this year (Card kit from Holly McCaig- so really she did all the work). I made a few others- because I was having so much fun with my Adobe- Photoshop Elements 5! Yes I upgraded from Paintshop Pro. (Not dissing Paintshop- it sure fillied the void) Elements is so much easier! So much!! And the best part about it is that I bought it online at this place for half price on Thanksgiving.

A big Thank You to this girl for mentioning it on her blog. Now I am not the kind of gal who will get up early, hunt for parking, stand in line, to buy anything on Black Friday. So I was doing a little surfing- hoping that there would be some deals- and there were (couldn't find any on the printer I wanted though!) The shipping cost was so worth staying in my nice warm bed until 8am and my jammies even longer.

This is another card kit I love. Might just buy it for next year's card!

Poetry Thursday- Walls

Casual Killer

Undisclosed doorway
I decend through
your depth
disengaging
from all response-
you drink down my
distress.

Provisional portal
I no longer
dispute your power,
passive to suppresion-
it plagues my
principle.


Casual keeper
I cannot consent
to contract
my character
to your control-
STOP-
I crawl from your
crime.


Walls- I found this to be an interesting prompt. Years ago I wrote this poem. Took a poetry writing class in college. (Hated it by the way) Having someone (or many people) critique your private work was so difficult. My professor had a hard time with this poem. He used words like " too philosophical" (ok- this is poetry-correct), need better verb than disengaging (wow- what verb would you use?), "I am having trouble seeing this.

And he wasn't wrong is so many aspects. He was right on the money. You can't see through it, you can't see behind it, you can't see what you want to see---- there is a wall. And it is merciless. There is no emotion, no light, no warmth. Numbness all around. Darkness all around. It sucks you down - down - down.

I think that I found truely explaining this poem to the group of people (they were not warm fuzzys) was something I could not do. So they did not get it. I don't think that many of them had hit rock bottom like I had. They couldn't feel how the allegory was like a prison- boxed- rigid.
I can feel it though. Still can - years later.

I know that it is not a great poem- but it is mine. And I prouldly share it with you now knowing that it is mine- was mine- was my space- was my wall. WAS- pieces still hang there inside me (and I know that I could easily pull them back into place to protect once again what little that I had that was mine), but the wall has come down. The wall, that portal no longer holds me in. I let the ghosts fly free within me. At this point in my life- without them I would no longer be whole.

A rainy and yucky Monday here. As the day wore on - my mood began to match the atmosphere. I am on a plan to detox my body of all the schtuff I put in it.

Not sure why I decided to start this week. Read an article in Better Homes and Gardens this week about diabeties. (November is National Diabeties Month). Learned something new, caffine increases blood sugar. Asked a few people in the health field- they didn't know that either. Except- in coffee. It seems that moderate amounts of coffee either decaff or reg. actually lowers blood sugar. Good news. Except that I do not drink coffee. Sure I enjoy a Mocha here and there, but my vice is diet mountain dew. Well. I am well on my way of purging my system of it. Starting with the caffine free stuff to decrease my caffine intake. Doing good on this- except that it depresses me. Depression is creeping in. This happened last year when I tried to cut out caffine. I just couldn't handle the emotions that went with it.

Not going to turn back this time! I will do it.

Cluck Cluck

Despite my frustrations
with the selection
of political candidates-

I did vote.

Felt very proud that I did.

And if any polititians
out there
are reading this blog-
the deal breaker for me was-
who ran the cleanest campaign.
Yes that does matter.
So that is who I voted for in the end.

And hey my guy won!!!!

And congratulations to Chris Edwards and his familiy. Hopefully he can do big things in that part of the world!

Lets talk politics?!

Ok , lets get this straight. I am an American. I take pride in being an American. I believe in the Constitution and all the hard work it took to bring Democracy to this country. I support our troops.

With that said....
I have been so discouraged and embarassed by our upcoming election campaigns. Yes Our polititians should be E-M-B-A-R-A-S-S-E-D!

Who is the role model for Democracy- USA. We pride ourselves on it. We try to spread it like a missionary would. (Just lately with a lot more force).

So I think our polititians and canidates have a responsibility not only to the voting Americans but to the world to run clean campaigns. How can I vote for either candidate when I already know that they lie. They lie to their voters. Their campaigns are riddled with half truths and lies. They will beg steal and borrow to get elected. And yet I also read that it is my duty to vote. Well then give me someone to vote for!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I do not feel that our country is a democracy anymore. It is really a dictatorship between 2 partys. And they just humor us into thinking we have a choice. OK, I have a choice. Who is the lesser of 2 evils? Love that choice. Love this democracy we live in.

Sorry for the rant. Just had to get it off my chest.

Poetry Thursday- Favorite Lines

I have been wanting to participate in Poetry Thursday for so long. But I have been very lazy about it and very scared. Scared to look that deep inside myself again.

I used to be a poet- long ago. I was young, naive and romantic. But as most people exerience at one point or another- I had some life altering experiences. And in my need for self preservation- I closed a few doors inside myself.

But I am needing to re-enter again. And allow the sunlight to reach those dark places. I no longer need to spend time with that girl. She and I can to terms with each other a long time ago. Over the years she finally let me grow up and I finally let her be apart of me again. I love her- and all that she was- but that took a lot of years and self acceptance to reach that place. We are one and we are at peace.

So it's time for a little poetry. Some of hers, some of mine, but all of ours.

It is very difficult to pick just one or two favorite lines of poetry. There are so many swimming in my head. So many memories, sights, sounds, smells, colors and flavors attached to them.

Shakespears Sonnet # 58
"I am to wait, though waiting so be hell,
Not blame your pleasure, be it ill or well."

Dorothy Parker- Men
"They hail you as their morning star
Because you are the way you are.
If you return the sentiment,
They'll try to make you different,"

e.e. cummings
"may i feel said he
(i'll squeel said she
just once said he)
it's fun said she"