Sunday Scribbling- Kissing

Giving up my past, Vol. I, Chapter 2

Kissing you Good-bye

You have long since moved from my heart.

(My heart barely remembers you..)

However, you are still at times

painfully in my head. Oh, don't flatter

yourself, it is not actually you in my head,

you physcially, again, my head barely remembers

what you looked like.

But memories of you and things you did and said to me.

Cruel things.

Very Cruel things.

I have not completely let them go.

I am still surprised

that they actually happened - to me.

When I remember them,

it is as though I am watching

a television program.

Watching from the outside,

someoneelse's experiences.

Watching.

I would like to tell her all that I know now.

(That you really never loved her)

I would like to tell her how to let you go.

(That even though I loved you- this is not how love should be).

I would like to help her move on.

(That she will find someone better.)

I would like to tell her she is worthy and special and loved

and yes- does deserve better.

(That you tell her all those bad things about her, so that you feel better

about yourself)

I would like to tell her that it is not she who needs to change, she is wonderful

just the way she is.

(That it is YOU who needs to change and grow).

I know that it would not matter if I told her these things.

She would not listen anyway.

She needed to find out for herself.

I am kissing you good-bye today- for good.

That part of you that remains in my head.

That on my bad days

(and even on some of my good,

when I do not feel worthy of my abundance)

your voice hammers in my head

telling me that I am nothing,

that I suck,

that I am not loved,

that I need to change,

that I am not pretty

or sexy

or smart.

On those

days that you tell me that I am not worthy

of anyone's love,

(in the past you added especially yours)

- that I do not deserve

all that I do have

and that I will never

amount to anything.

There were times that I lived up

to those expectations. And fortunately

there are many more

that I knew better.

I am kissing you good-bye today.

That part of you that was physically cruel to me.

The part that I still try to deny in my head.

Those subtle touches

that left bruises on the outside

and scars on the inside.

(You didn't think I would notice that it was purposeful.)

And those times when you wanted me

to know that you purposely

left a trace.

Those times when you needed

to show me your superiority,

your dominance,

your power,

your will.

It was so long ago.

My life is so full of love,

and purpose,

and peace,

and grace.

My life is shared with an amazingly loving husband,

who tells me I am smart,

who tells me he desires me,

who tells me he would die for me,

who has encouraged me to follow my heart and my dreams.

My life is filled with

children's laughter,

tears,

words,

stories,

music,

dance,

kisses

and hugs.

My house is warm and filled with pieces of me.

So today I am kissing the last piece of you good-bye.

The memory of me when I was with you.

I am whole,

I am good,

I am deserving,

I am smart,

I am creative,

I am pretty,

I am sexy,

I am beautiful,

I am funny,

I am forgiven,

I am special,

I have God's grace,

I am and forever will be me...

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