Ebb and flow

This is what I did this weekend...

• It is amazing that one can be exhausted after sitting on the beach all day doing next to nothing
• 2 weeks till school starts
• Already schedule demands are creeping upon me
• I hate schedule demands- that is my most favorite part of summer... the freedom of it all... the lack of need of my calendar... the lack of arranging childcare...
• Must center myself and ready myself for this...
• I believe in simplicity... I just wish more people did as well...
• Had to hire an attorney this weekend for a very minor thing... but hiring an attorney just felt - well crazy wrong... yes this is America- but I really do not think that just anyone should be able to sue anyone else because they covet thy goods. Anyhow- we no longer have to show up ... our lawyer is going to do that for us.
• Greed---- many people live there lives ruled by want and greed...
• I do not want to be one of those people!

Let them...

not a very origional title... but it is effective none the less.

• I love cake- especially if it has chocolate frosting- but this one just could not be resisted!
• Beach day yesturday- lots of sun and lots of sand!
• Another gorgeous summer day- it's days like these that make me sad that summer is on its way out
• Getting very nervous for the semester to start- I always have these butterflies and momments of self-doubt. Maybe I should view it as each semester as being on a big continuum vs. starting all over
• The olympics have been my source of entertainment these evenings. And knitting has been my vice. So much that I am actually welcoming a short break from it. Netflix has let me down- I am still waiting for my dvds- an error in their shipping system. And there refund to customers- is only 15% ok- thats like $2.25. Not really much of a refund considering I have not been able to watch anything for over a week!!

Nothing to do with summer

Because I make this dish year round.

• Sizzling tomatoes- with olive oil- red pepper flakes- fresh garlic... makes the perfect sause for penne pasta
• Add some Kalamata olives- and parmesean cheese.
• Wala- a super supper.
• Now if only my kids would eat it!

Running...

• All a blurr- he was literally thinking that he was running for his life.
• Trying to find safe shelter-
• Absolute instinct on his part
• He was not the least bit curious about us
• Just wanted to put as much space between him and his perceived foe!
• We let him be- just watched
• But we secretly wished he would come out and play with us.
• No such luck!
• But beautiful anyway...

More Sights of Summer

• Still summer- but with a hint of autumn in the air
• The nights are cool- wonderful sleeping weather
• More beach days are still ahead- however so are autumn hikes
• Cricket serenades
• Zucchini bread
• Farmer's Market-
• Jane Austen
• BBC- PBS - Wives and Daughters
• Chocolate
• Peach Pie
• Moonstone pendant- A surprise Anniversary present from my sweetheart.
• New notebooks, folders and loose leaf paper for school
• Old familiar favorite pens
• Wishing for a new backpack- but in reality my old one works just fine
• Needing new jeans- the old ones are... well... old
• Already missing my kids- and school hasn't even started yet. Yes there is always next summer- but they will all be a year older (and so will I) next year.

Sights of Summer...8

• I think that this bloom must house a faery or two....

Sights of Summer..7

• Reading a little Jane Austen- very different experience from watching Jane Austen. I thought I should experience it all in her own words.
• Date night last night- love that I have a responsible, dependable babysitter that the kids love- doesn't hurt that she's their cousin either!!!
• So date night- great food- good conversation, oh and Italian wine and dessert (but not at the same time!)
• Crazy fall weather in August- it is like mid-October and it's the beginning of August. But the nights are totally lovely!
• Running- I am not a natural runner- it hurts- seriously- I think it hurts my brain.
• All exercise hurts my brain.
• Knitting. Love knitting. Everyone is getting something knit by me for Christmas- that's my way of justifying buying such wonderful yarn.
• The Olympics- something fun to watch on TV. I am just mesmerized by the talent- the committment-
• The Olympics- I am troubled by the the injuries that atheletes sustain to reach that level of competition. When I read about the girls gymnast team- young 12, 14 year girls sustaning broken knees, tearing muscles, etc, I think that nothing can be worth that. The Hamm brothers, breaking wrists, tearing pec muscles. And yet what do they shed their tears about- not being able to compete. Yeah I get it- but all that training, all that hard work, and what do atheletes do- what do their coaches do- what do their sponsors do- encourage them to quickly heal- hide the tears and get right back up. What about healing the body- properly. They will have those injuries the rest of their life- it may not matter much now- but 10-20 years it will. It really hits something deep inside me.
• I am very very excited about me reading list for school this sememster- books I have not read- books I probobly would not have chosen for myself- but books that will expand my horizons. Now let me say they are also books that are going to be HARD.
• Today- may be a day at the zoo... a day with some knitting... a day with a little J. Austen... a day with a movie... just a day.

Sights of Summer...6

• The beauty in simplicity
• Savoring the taste
• Rebounding from a week filled with dreadful events- (but not tragic)
• Replacing it with perspective- we are all alive and healthy- thats what matters most
• The rest will take care of itself - with a little homework and a little time
• Anticipating the end of carefree summer days- wishing there was more time to live like this
• But... getting geared up for school- and all the responsibilities and scheduled events that come along with it. Not bad- maybe even a little excited- but I already miss summer.
• Enjoying the days that are left - going to bed late, flashlight tag, days at the beach, road trips, green grass, humid mornings, lemonaide, farmer's markets, sunflowers, butterflies, sun, rain, tanned skin, flip flops...

Sights of Summer...5

About a half hour later the rain washed it all away....

Sights of summer...4

Taking flight!

Sights of Summer...3

Reaching for the sun... ready to take on the day

Finished Breaking Dawn-- Twilight Saga.

• Hated it--- loved it
• There were about 3 or 4 chapters that almost convinced me to put the book down and stop reading. That I was better off finishing with book 3.
• But I must finish something that I started--- so I hung in there for about 100 pages and was rewarded.
• Got my happy ending.... and then some.
• Thank you Stephanie Meyers for entertaining me these past few years!

Sights of Summer... 2

Floating along...

Sights of Summer...1

Sometimes there are not words to describe the unbound joy within the heart!

Going Round... and Round

There is so much in my head but really nothing to say...

• Summer is so YUMMY this year. The blooms, the grass, the sky, the colors- green- blue-yellow....
• Can't get enough of the beach. The sand- the waves- the sun.... the seashells
• So much to do- but I desire to do nothing- but read... and knit...
• Watched The View yesturday morning-( I used to enjoy catching a snippet of that show years ago- needing a bit of a girly gossip fix) turned it off after 5 minutes- will never turn it on again. All they did was fight and yell at each other and basically chastise Elizabeth for her conservative views- I am usually quite liberal- but I can appreciate listening to the more conservative views- why can't people be more open minded- and obviously she is not the only conservative person in the US- Bush was president for 2 terms.
• Struggling with my love/hate feelings about COMMERCIALISM- is it evil.... is it what our country is founded on.... I really do love new funky kitshy things.... but why does it pull me in opposite directions? Is consummerism KING?
• Just read The Friday Night Knitting Club- good read- not breathtaking. I heard that they are making a movie out of it and Julia Roberts is to star in it-- could be rumor-- i don't know. But I must say if she is -- it is really going back to her Steal Magnolia's days... that kinda turned me off. Plus she is older that the character. But I guess Hollywood does not care about that after all- I mean Meryl Strep in Mama Mia-- don't get me wrong I really like Meryl. But she is not thirty somthing.... or even forty something...
• August 1st- a month till school starts- I feel like I have been on vacation forever. And I am totally freaked out about my classes. Should be easier than last semester- but I have to say I have anxiety at the prospect of starting new with the beginnning of each semester. Why? I just don't know- what if I can't do it-- what if the load is too big-- what if I fall into old habits-- I dreamt last night that I started skipping classes. Oh MY- the fear... I work hard for my A's. Really hard- I want my work to be good. Really only for myself!
• August 1st- I love August... And June... July just always feels like a month of limbo to me... Can't explain why.
• Oh- and therapy is going great with Ceci--- not really the therapy sessions themselves-- but my time with her. I have been really working hard to create and evironment rich in language for her-- but fun language-- she has gone from 2 words to 50+ words. Each day I can add new ones- spontaneous words that she chooses as well as the "functional" ones that I choose. Her expressive language has moved from the evaluation of being at the 12 month old level to the 2 year old level (work on clear articulation is still needed). It is wonderful!!!!

God is great!

Midpoint... and little adventures and a few miracles

• Summer is at it's midpoint here. Since life is meant to be continuous- this would be a good thing. But I really wish it would slow down a little- so that I could fully inhale all the goodness around me.
• Finally hit the beach- finally warm enough ( although as I write this it is only 63 degrees at 9 in the morning- in JULY). A day filled with sun, sunscreen, the lake, lots of sand (on the beach and in our suits), breakfast for dinner, cousins, ....
• Summer haircuts- short and sweet bobs with glitter sprinkles and french braids
• Tan skin- I know that sun is damaging but the 80's girl in me still delights in a little browning of the skin. The Irish girl in me is glad that there is enough of my father in me that I can brown my skin a little.
• Days without make-up. Again this must be due to the glow of a light tan- in winter I am rarely brave enough to venture out with bare pasty white skin.
• Planning a little vacation to St. Louis for my nephews birthday.
• Knitting- socks, socks, socks. Yes it is Christmas in July around here- as I am gearing up for Christmas already. Once school is back in session- there will be little time to do this so - I am making my Christmas gifts now. Just about everyone will be getting a handmade knit goodie- socks, scarf or hat.
• Made the Dean's List- so very cool. Almost so proud of myself I could burst. One of the happiest pieces of mail I ever received.
• New shoes coming in the mail today- gift from my mother- for making the Dean's List
• New Fridge, New motor on the furnace (yes my furnace flooded in July- make sure your hoses are not plugged up!) car getting fixed (something with the front axel- I guess that would be important). Well, that is how I spent my STIMULOUS CHECK. God is great!
• My book review was printed in the local paper last week. Love seeing my work published. Even if it is small- and slightly insignificant. It was actually hard to do- because I really did not like the book that much and could not say it- it was supposed to be a positive review of the book.
• Watched Juno last night- suprisingly I liked it. Wasn't always able to follow the jibberish- I am so uncool.
• Oh and Ceci is starting to talk. I have labored much in this area. We have been practicing articulation and motor control all summer so far. And with the help of her therapist she is learning and progressing at an exceptional rate. Yesturday she actually said "I love you mama". I still feel like I must pinch myself to wake up. But it was truely wonderful.

Solstace

• Summer is finally here- yesturday we celebrated the last day of Spring- and today we are celebrating the first full day of Summer
• Lots of colorful crey paper is up and paper balls and twinkle lights and chalk drawings....
• Lots of good food filling the fridge
• Lots of sun... lots of rain... a little hail... all in a summers day....
• Little one is napping- Thank goodness- oh she was the crabbiest.
• The boys are off at a Boy Scout Day Camp- again Thank goodness- gets them out of my hair
• I have a cool diet mountain dew on hand- thanks to my new refridgerator. Cold food- who knew.
• So much laundry to do- I really do not know where it all came from.
• Flip Flops- I used to hate flip flops but have aquired an appreciation for the classic low key summer assessory!
• Counting the days until we hit the beach...
• Lazy kitties sleeping in open windows
• Cool summer sheets- (I feel the same way about warm flannel sheets in the fall/winter) but right now the bamboo sheets are my little bit of heaven at night.
• LOts of good books to read. So far I finished- A Song for Summer by Eva Ibbotson, The Painted Veil by Maugham, Platform 13 by Eva Ibbotson, Who Murdered Chaucer by Terry Jones, et al (Just can't quit reading this stuff- borrowed the book from my Professor- Hoping he will lend me a few more), The Wasteland by TS Eliot....
• Knitting a pair of socks for my niece for Christmas- one sock done- one to go. Enjoying my carefree Thursday evenings knitting at my local yarn shop. My selfish 2 hours of fun - without the kids, without the hubby, without the TV, without interruption. Just crazy girl talk. And it is crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I get to drool over all the yarn on the shelves at the same time.

So far summer has been good. But the Summer solstice is always a little bittersweet for me- that's why I have turned it into a family celebration. I am always a little saddened by the fact that the days are getting shorter from here on out. It like Christmas- I love the month leading up to it- but when Christmas hits- I am always saddened that it is over.

Decisions

This little girl puts up with a lot..... and so does her mommy!

• Seriously- the part I hate most about having a child in therapy services is that it opens the door for people to give unsolicited opinions regarding your parenting. Sometimes even inappropriate opinions.

• So the school social worker came to our home today- to meet us and begin the transition from birth to 3 services to school services. She noticed that C still uses a nuk (pacifier) and gave her 2 cents worth on why she should NOT have one.
• Ok- I am a reasonably educated parent- this is child #3, I am fully aware of the pro's and con's of pacifier use and informed and experienced as to how to ween. I politely explained to her (all the while feeling like I really did not need to offer any explaination or defence of my parenting skills) that she is allowed to have her nuk at only certain times of the day.
• And since she just started therapy and that I am currently potty training her- I was just doing it one step at a time.
• What I really wanted to say is that... if she wasn't at my house having this useless meeting I would be able to focus on my child and take the nuk away- since she in not supposed to have it- she snuk it- feeling a bit stressed that there were strangers in her house once again.

• When we talked about a future therapy schedule- I mentioned that I was in school 3 days a week and that I would need therapy to be on my days off- she was confused and wondered why my mother (who is my childcare) could not bring her to therapy.
• HELLO- I am the mother and want to be involved in my child's treatment. I AM THE MOTHER- this is my job- I WILL BE THERE.

• It is certainly an education being on the other end of the system.

• But at least today I feel strong- I am my child's keeper- MOMMY WARRIOR mode!!!!!!

Sorry....

It occurred to me today- that there are a few people in my life (or better said were in my life at one time) that I really owe an apology for one thing or another.... There were times in my life that I did not do the right thing, or act the right way, or say the right thing. There are people who I could have been a better friend... there are people I was not straight and honest with, people who deserved better from me.

Oh- it is all in the past- but today if I had had a wish- that's what it would have been... to apologize. I was not malicious to anyone- just young and stupid... screwed up priorities, broken heart, human nature....

So here it goes.... I am truely sorry for:

• for the time I should have been a better friend
• for the times I should have been a better listener
• for all the time that I was not completely honest
• for the time(s) that I put my foot in my mouth- and incidentally hurt someone's feelings
• for being weak too weak in spirit and weak in mind to do the "right" thing
• for not trusting you
• for not trying hard enough
• for not giving you a chance
• for not asking the right question
• for being scared
• for asking you to fight my battles for me
• for realizing too late that you were there
• for letting our friendship go....

Mostly I am sorry that I cannot be face to face today with some people that I once cared deeply for (even those that I did not value enough at the time) and tell them straight up.

Freedom.... and other tandom stuff

What I love about summer VACATION.....

1. I do not have to have school uniforms washed and "pressed"- well at least not in a wrinkled heap!
2. I do not have to remember to wash above said uniforms.
3. I do not have to haul my bum out of bed and get above said uniforms to the correct child. Yes- I know I should do this the night before. It is a very easy task- but I am and never will be a morning person. Something to work on for next year. NOTE TO SELF- prep school clothes at night!
4. Pack lunches- no I no longer (or should I say my husband no longer) needs to plan lunch 5 hours before it is due to happen. We can live fancy free and decide what our lunch is going to be on a whim- within 5 minutes of consumption. Delightful!
5. I do not have to shower before getting the kids off to school- or fear who my un-showered self may bump into dropping the kids off to school. My hair really does resemble Einstein's each and every morning!!!!
6. Every child can pull their bony little butts out of bed at just about any time they want- regardless of what time their siblings got up.
7. Bedtime- what bedtime.....
8. Cartoons in the morning- thank you PBS. No I am not advocating couch potatoes- but hey clifford and gang are a relaxing way to wake up. No news, No video games, No fighting, No MOOOOOM_ where's my..... MOOOOM can you get. They are happily zoned out for a while.... pushing the sleep out of their eyes. Still to tierd to care which child was clever enough to snag the prime position on the couch.

Today

• cinnamon rolls for breakfast- treat to celebrate!!!!
• Rain and thunderstorms all day- so we can enjoy each others company endlessly! (At this point this is a good thing- in about a month- well- really there could be tears about spending so much togetherness time inside)
• Games, Wii- Indiana Jones baby..., Crafting, Scrapbooking...
• Decorating the new flower press
• Playing school- yes I have a Kindergardener- well First Grader now.... and I set up a new school corner in the playroom (used to be dining room- love it - hate it. Very bittersweet momment turning over my lovely dining room - you know the one that is technically only used at Christmas and Easter- over to the children. But if you read my post from yesturday it was really all for this girl. Playtime- therapy time all day so to speak and she doesn't even know it.)
• Lunch on a whim- not the picnic I imagined a week ago- due to rain- but on a whim anyway
• My daughter has declared that she plans to stay in her jammies all day- works for me.

Summer Vacation = Freedom!!!!!!

Confessions

I have a sort of confession....

Something that has been part of my world for a while- yet it just hit me today.

WHAM

My daughter has apraxia.

A-P-R-A-X-I-A- I keep yelling this word over and over again in my head- Maybe if I yell loud enough it will go away. But it won't go away- at least not for a while- maybe not ever. But I cannot let myself think about that- but I am thinking about THAT.

I know that there are more involved disabilities/disorders out there. I know that she has a more mild case (not correct terminology- but lack of better)... I know that her prospects are probobly good. I know that I am doing good by her. I have worked with people of all ages with all kinds of disabiliites. I know that I could have it so much worse.... but I do have it so much worse- because this is MY child... this is MY issue.... this is MY responsibility. And I feel like I need to fix it. I know I can't just fix it. But I'm the MOM- that's my job. But I can't.

So it hit me today....

that my daughter has apraxia...

today after therapy.

After therapy that has been going on for over a month.

After the therapist handed me picture symbols to use... I've used picture symbols for years ( at work, at school, etc). I even own the software.

But these picture symbols were for me--- worse they were for Her. They were to be used in our everyday stuff--- not just wow what a cute/good/professional job I did making a communication board for someone else. This time--- someone made one for us.

So it hit me. HARD...

I am I feel raw... and deflated... and defeated... by life.

I know that it will go away and tomorrow I will return my child's warrior.

But today I am letting it all pour out... all of it.... I think I need to....

She wasn't an easy pregnancy... (easy birth- thank God)... I walked on egg shells from my 20th week on- hoping that she would go full term... hoping she would survive. We named at 20 weeks, so that if anything happened to her- the kids would have a name to go with her... so I would have a name to go with her. We named her to give her spirit strength....

All of that has nothing to do with this- yet it has everything to do with this. Because I think I am finally letting the feelings that I held so quiet in my heart- for these past three years. I was strong... I knew she would live... I knew that we would both survive.... and in self-preservation I just did not let my thoughts go there. I knew God had a plan for us--- and that was to live--- I felt it in my heart.

So now--- we have another road to travel. Today I am sitting in the mud of it all --- feeling very sorry for myself.... feeling sorry for her.... just feeling...

Tomorrow is another day--- with another attitude.