Something more uplifting

For some reason doing SPT in Black and White

has left me in a bit of a mood.

But I am glad I got those feelings out.

Sometimes you don't even know

that those thoughts are

lurking inside.

It amazes me how a few tulip bulbs

can make this time of year bearable.

We bought these when we went grocery

shopping on Saturday.

(Gearing up fora big snowstorm and all)

My daughter saw these and fell in love.

And well she has been sick.

And they were pink.

And they were only $3.00

And well....

they have simply made us all so happy.

And since I have nothing else to take

pictures of (other than my kids and the snow)

well...

I took these.

Tonight we are supposed to get snow and ICE again.

Can't believe that today is already Wednsday.

Wish that there was a new Grey's tomorrow.

But I guess after that 3 week succession,

a little break is due.

My kids hate it that I watch Greys on Thursday

nights. Dad puts them to bed. Not that they have

a problem with Dad putting them to bed, it's that

they have a lack of choice that evening.

I watch very little tv, maybe two hours a week.

Seriously. (we don't have cable) that helps.

So they will be thrilled that Grey's is a rerun.

Tonight is First communnion class.

So not looking forward to this.

Don't know why.

Probobly because my kids have all

been sick the past two weeks and I am

in need of a really good sleep.

And well, this adds one more thing to the things we need to

get done today.

19 days until we are in Florida. Can't wait. Can't wait. Can't wait.

SPT-Layers

The earth has been completely blanketed in white.

I had a beautiful drive to work, lake effect snow

falling, trees flocked white.

It was pure beauty.

But it also came with a price.

Some of the weaker

branches

crumbled

under the weight.

The street

filled with a beautiful

white blanket

was also filled with

the skeletal remains

of tree branches that

just couldn't

KEEP UP.

Branches that were

already broken,

branches that were

weaker than the others,

branches that fell

because of other falling

branches.

VULNERABLE

Unable to hold

up the burden.

If I could only

strip

away

these layers.

Layers of

obligations,

emotions,

doubt,

stress,

anxiety,

weight,

anger,

fear,

pain....

Would the core of me,

bare

without the layers

covering up,

burdening,

weighing down,

be able to hold me up.

Would

my core

hold up

as those layers

fall softly

upon it's strength?

SPT- Black and White

Exhausted.

No time to write.

Absolutely want

to crawl

onto the couch

with a blanket and pillow

and hide.

HIDE

Hide from all the problems in my world.

Hide from all the people who need me.

Hide from all my responsibilities.

Hide from all my demons.

Hide from all my joy.

Hide from all my fears.

Hide from all my dreams (they overwhelm me).

I am on overload.

I am short circuiting

I need some time to myself.

I need some time to create.

I need some time to rest.

I am exhausted.

Grateful Friday

1. Yes this is how my kids eat their pizza.

Half with cheese, half just sauce.

Crazy... but it works.

Grateful that I can make this homemade.

You do not get a discount at the local pizza

place if you order without cheese.

2. Rented Marie Antoinette. Hope it's good.

Well, actually I don't care if it is good just

as long as it is entertaining. Can't wait to

see the costumes. Love historical movies, novels, etc.

3. Ok so I heard that it is supposed to warm up

next week. Oh I just keep my fingers crossed.

4. Glad our car is fixable. Not cheep but fixable.

If it can just last a while longer.

5. Grateful for my new printer. Finally.

My old one was 10 years old. Still worked.

But how was I supposed to know that printers

have come so far! Should have replaced it years ago.

6. I have gone through 5 boxes of tissues in the past 2 1/2 weeks.

I think I am finally starting to feel better.

7. Finally made a hair appointment. Next week baby.

Cut and color!

8. All the house if vaccumed. PRICELESS!

9. Finished a good book. Not great but good.

10. Grateful that I have at least 4 more books just

waiting for me!

11. Grateful that this week did not go by as fast as last week.

I just felt as though I lost time. But also grateful that this

week didn't drag either.

12. Enjoyed Grey's last night. Much more than last week. More storyline.

But I really hate that I have to wait a week to find out what happend.

Enjoyed seeing Dylan and Denny.

all i want to do is eat cake

Valentine Love and a Sweet Goodbye!

Valentines came and went in a wonderfully decadent way!

We had a wonderful supper and an incredible desert with

ganache frosting.

Just wonderful spending it with family. My middle child- is in love

with my grandmother. It is so amazing watching a 4 year old and a

91 year old interact. They are like best friends.

We said good-bye to our beloved Buzz Buzz. Lots of tears.

He was a good pet. Even though I know hamsters do not

live long- I somehow always feel responsible. As is there is

something I didn't do right in his care. So now we have a

hamster- frozen by now- in our garage waiting for spring

to be buried next to the previous 2 buzz buzz's.

Mid Winter Blue

I cannot tell you

how many times

in the past week

I have

seen this face.

This face

set just like this.

This face

showing it's dislike to me.

This face-

that was captured

looking pretty

cute in mid-motion-

piggy tails and all.

Oh it has been a rough week

with this little one.

This spirited one.

This big person

in a little body.

I feel like I'm losing grip.

I feel like I did when the New Year

came around.

I feel a weight pulling me down.

I just don't know how to

stop it.

I know it's coming.

Is it the weather?

Is it ______________?

Is it just the season?

Is it my fear of failure

creaping back to me?

Is it my constant questioning of

the decisions I've made?

Is it my lack of meaningful work?

Is it the fact that my kids seem

to be growing up too fast?

Growing up and away from me?

This week went by

way to fast.

I was way to sick

and at times worked to hard

and at times did not work hard

enough.

I had plans

for this weekend.

None of them

happened.

I had wonderful valentine fun

I wanted to do with the kids.

Free from any time constraints.

But I ended up working.

Mindless, low paying, boring work.

I had to fill in for someone who

was seriously injured.

Glad I could do it for her.

She would do it for me.

But I had plans....

And to top it off, we

had a birthday party coming in.

I had to plan a party for 15 Kindergarteners.

Not hard. But a bit draining.

And I was already drained.

Hoping for a better week.

Process?!^#*****

Usually on Fridays I am all get up and go about

all the wonderful things in my life.

Just not feeling it this week.

So this is a most ungrateful Friday- Sorry.

But I think I need to just get it all out and move on.

1. I know that crafts and art should be about the process.

The undenyable bliss that comes from creating.

This week the process sucks.

I committed to making some jewlery pieces for an auction.

Haven't worked on jewlery in a while.

But it is a bit like riding a bike

(haven't done that i a while either).

I have slight arthritis beginning in my thumbs.

Not bad,

mostly just achy at times.

However, I was just that

while trying to make a few necklaces,

all thumbs.

They got in the way,

they hurt,

they hurt a lot.

And on top of it, the ache radiated to my other fingers.

I finished the necklaces.

But I did not enjoy the process.

I knew this would happen one day.

It runs in the family.

But I guess that just doesn't make it any easier

when the time comes.

2. I made a submission to CK Hall of Fame.

I really do not think I have much of a chance.

My origional layouts maybe,

but I have to tell you that scanned copies are just not the same.

And since my printer decided to literally freeze up on me,

I was completely at the mercy

of another unfamiliar printer.

To top it all off,

our Kinkos here in town, d

oes not havea scanner that is wider than 11".

And neither does our scrapbooks stores.

But one of them did happen to have the Epson software

that "sews together 2 scans."

It does a wonderful job.

But a bit time consuming.

And then their printer-YUCK.

So I sent in my entry with less than perfect scans.

I am very proud that I did the work.

I think that I challenged myself artistically.

OH WELL.

3. The weather here sucks. SUCKS.

I know I feel this way about this time every year.

But we are going through a warm spell,

High of 12 degrees with a windchill of 0.

Yes people that is the high.

This is our warm up.

I know it is so much better

than the previous days when the high

did not even top 0 degress with windchills in the -30's.

But 10 degrees is still flippin' cold.

I need to move. Someplace warmer.

Someplace that does not have excruciatingly hot summer

(hate that too).

And some place that has a reasonable amount of bugs.

Hate bugs.

4. I have the GLEEP.

Last week I posted that we had NO Nasty Viruses in the house so far this year.

Well, I got one.

A big one.

A sinus bug.

And now I think its a full fledge sinus infection.

And it is just too cold to go out to the doctor.

I have been a bit of a hermit this week.

But I think some antibiotics are in order.

I have gone through 3 boxes of Kleenex tissue

and my nose is sore and chapped.

5. My daugter is on a Cinderella kick.

So I have watched it everyday for many many days.

I am a little Bibity Bobity Booed out!

6. Ok I really don't have six.

I am racking my brain for a number six.

There must be more adding to this really yucky attitude of mine.

Hey maybe it is not so bad after all.

Maybe I am an just sick and cold.

Maybe there is a grateful list hanging out on the horizon.

Maybe I should just take a nap.

Maybe I will be back later with a better attitude and a better blog entry.

Maybe getting this all down - has helped.

SPT- Black and white

I carry a little darkness within me.
A sounding board for all that light.
A place of solitude and shelter.
A darkness that holds all my pain, and pain and pain.
A darkness that holds my peace and faith.
A solid place
holding me together.

Grateful and Frigid Friday... Brrrrr

Since my last post was a little whiney, it is time to add a post.

I love grateful Friday!

Love Friday, Love paying tribute to all the good things happening.

Love reflecting on things

I may notnormally take notice of.

1. My furnace. The warmth of my home. (The artic blast has hit us-HARD!!)

2. Good food for dinner. And it's all pre-cooked.

3. A semi-clean house.

4. Clean flannel sheets to sleep in tonight.

5. Despite the cold- the sun was out all day. Very grateful to have sunshine.

6. Time to scrapbook, time to read, time to watch Grey's last night.

7. Warm coffee (with hazelnut creamer of course) and cold soda.

8. My kids have been healthy so far this winter. No nasty viruses in our house.

(Knocking really hard on wood right now!)

9. Chocolate. Must have chocolate and husband came through for me!

10. Playstation. I am really diggin Lego Star Wars II. (Got to help out the little ones you know)

11. Just finishing a really really good book! And a galley read at that. Love it when I find a galley read that is good. Ghostwalk, by Rebecca Scott

12. Did I mention my house is semi-clean.

13. Laundry is complety under control- at least today.

14. Nice blog comments and emails.

15. A 20% off coupon to Jen Wilson Designs!! Yep, I used it already. On this, this, this, this and this.

16. Cuddly kids.

17. Homemade soup!

indifference

I have been reading a lot of posts about friends
out here in blogland recently.

I had a best friend, not so long ago.
We were like sisters, we shared just
about anything and were able to tell
each other everything. She knew the best of me
and she knew the worst. She was my maid
of honor at my wedding. She listened to me whine
(and I mean whine through 2 1/2 pregnancies).
She babysat my kids. I babysat hers.

So what changed?
Our lives took different paths.
During my 3rd pregnancy, I quit work to be with my kids.
She took an intense higher paying job
to pay for all her bills as a single parent.

We didn't lose touch in the regular sense.
Maybe there was too much space between us.
I can give myself credit for trying to be there for her.
Her new job was tough on her in the beginning,
her teenager was tough on her,
and her romance- well lets just say it added to all the stress.
I called once in a while
(she made it pretty clear she did not have time for long chats)
and I sent encouraging cards, birthday cards, christmas cards, etc.
always letting her know that I would be here and that she has all my support.

I stopped sending cards after about 6 months
of not hearing a peep in return.
I stopped calling.
I did write one e-mail,
got one response,
sent a reply
and received
NOTHING.

So I stopped.
We never had a fight.
We never had a disagreement.
The last time we talked it was as if nothing had changed.
So I have no closure.
I still wish the best for her.
Heard she got engaged.
Very happy for her.


It's been over a year now since the email.
And I have come to terms with the situation.
Had too.
I've moved on.
I have learned not to expect anything.
But every now and then I have a dream at night that I am just screaming at her
Yelling, spitting, shaking.
Not even sure what I am saying.
While she empties her groceries into her refridgerator.
Not even noticing me.
I hate these dreams.
They are very infrequent, but they feel intense.
And I wake up with anger.

A mutual friend of ours (who is really only in touch with her through occupation now.) says
just call her and tell her how you feel.
Call her.
Say what.
Spurt out all the anger and hurtful feelings I have.
I think that I would just hurt her.
And I am just not about that.
I am not a passive person, I am not a doormat.
I am not afraid of confrontation.
But I also not about to take my anger and give it to someone else just to feel better.

So I accept that I will have a dream now and then.
I accept that her indifference to me hurts.
And always will.
I accept that I need to create my own closure,
spiritual closure.
I accept that despite it all, I do still love her.
I do still care.
And I will be here-
I told her I would be
and I meant it.
And I accept that because
I am the way I am,
that I do hope that there will be a time
when she returns to our friendship in some way.
Even if it is to say
HI.

Ode to Harry...

As I have mentioned before, I work at a children's bookstore.

So today when I opened and discovered that the release date has been

set for #7- I knew it would be an exciting day.

This of course came as a surprise

because at about 11:30 last night I visted

both JK Rowlings website and Mugglenet

just to see if there was anything

new on the Harry Potter front.

And nothing.

Nothing new except some very yucky Dan photos.

Seriously,

unless you are a 18 year old girl (of age of course)

do not bother to view!!!!

They will gross your middle age self right out!

Seriously.

(Oh and that brings me to thoughts about Grey's-

new episode tonight YAH!!)

Anyhow back to Harry...

This is what we do on such an occasion:

1. Get an e-mail to everyone on our mailing list with the Scholastic Press Release.

2. Include on that e-mail that we are now taking pre-orders.

3. Make window posters and counter flyers.

4. Tell everyone who comes in.

5. Get list together for pre-orders.

6. Receive a number of responses back regarding the LIST.

7. Actually take a paid order. Yes by 10:00 am today I sold my first Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

8. Tell everyone that they are working 7-20-07 and 7-21-07.

9. Start visioning the final Harry Potter party.

10. Smile.

As much as I enjoy Harry and JK Rowling,

I do wonder how he happened to be on my book shelf

next to Anna Karenina.

PS- does anyone know how I can get bloger to allow me to put a space between paragraphs.

It just won't let me do it in the conventional way.