indifference

I have been reading a lot of posts about friends
out here in blogland recently.

I had a best friend, not so long ago.
We were like sisters, we shared just
about anything and were able to tell
each other everything. She knew the best of me
and she knew the worst. She was my maid
of honor at my wedding. She listened to me whine
(and I mean whine through 2 1/2 pregnancies).
She babysat my kids. I babysat hers.

So what changed?
Our lives took different paths.
During my 3rd pregnancy, I quit work to be with my kids.
She took an intense higher paying job
to pay for all her bills as a single parent.

We didn't lose touch in the regular sense.
Maybe there was too much space between us.
I can give myself credit for trying to be there for her.
Her new job was tough on her in the beginning,
her teenager was tough on her,
and her romance- well lets just say it added to all the stress.
I called once in a while
(she made it pretty clear she did not have time for long chats)
and I sent encouraging cards, birthday cards, christmas cards, etc.
always letting her know that I would be here and that she has all my support.

I stopped sending cards after about 6 months
of not hearing a peep in return.
I stopped calling.
I did write one e-mail,
got one response,
sent a reply
and received
NOTHING.

So I stopped.
We never had a fight.
We never had a disagreement.
The last time we talked it was as if nothing had changed.
So I have no closure.
I still wish the best for her.
Heard she got engaged.
Very happy for her.


It's been over a year now since the email.
And I have come to terms with the situation.
Had too.
I've moved on.
I have learned not to expect anything.
But every now and then I have a dream at night that I am just screaming at her
Yelling, spitting, shaking.
Not even sure what I am saying.
While she empties her groceries into her refridgerator.
Not even noticing me.
I hate these dreams.
They are very infrequent, but they feel intense.
And I wake up with anger.

A mutual friend of ours (who is really only in touch with her through occupation now.) says
just call her and tell her how you feel.
Call her.
Say what.
Spurt out all the anger and hurtful feelings I have.
I think that I would just hurt her.
And I am just not about that.
I am not a passive person, I am not a doormat.
I am not afraid of confrontation.
But I also not about to take my anger and give it to someone else just to feel better.

So I accept that I will have a dream now and then.
I accept that her indifference to me hurts.
And always will.
I accept that I need to create my own closure,
spiritual closure.
I accept that despite it all, I do still love her.
I do still care.
And I will be here-
I told her I would be
and I meant it.
And I accept that because
I am the way I am,
that I do hope that there will be a time
when she returns to our friendship in some way.
Even if it is to say
HI.